There is something about being on top that freaks me the eff out. Every time I assume the dreaded position, it’s like I become the victim of stage fright.

I immediately start to stress about how I look at that angle. I suck in my stomach, roll back my shoulders and try to get my hair out of my face. But the view is the least of my worries, because the actual point of the exercise is not for him to admire your naked body.  He could do that from any angle. When you are on top, you have to actually… do something.

This is the terrifying part, because now I am in control. I can’t just lie back or hold on tight or try to stay in the same position any more. I have to actually do something other than arch my back and moan (this just happens automatically, totally not faking it).

As it turns out, I don’t think I am very good at being in the driver’s seat. I know the ideal technique is to bounce up and down like you’re riding a horse, but I don’t want to go there. The mental image of me on a saddle will definitely ruin the moment.

Of course my dilemma, like so many others, ended in a Google search. “What to do when the woman is on top.” There is plenty of helpful material out there, if you are in need of some step-by-step instructions, by the way.

After reading through a few websites and viewing some interesting videos, I decided to practice my technique on someone, or um, something that wouldn’t judge me and isn’t at risk of a penis injury. And so I grabbed one of the most multifunctional items you could find in a bedroom. My pillow.

It made perfect sense to me to use a pillow. It’s used as a substitute for a man when you need to hold something while you sleep or cry, so why not? Full disclosure: I was wearing clothes and I did not draw a face on the pillow cover.

The practice session did not last very long, seeing that I inevitably started to feel like a fool. 

I did, however, come to the conclusion that I am not completely hopeless and that practice will just have to make perfect.