Marriage after divorce...

The dreaded “D" word always haunts one, not to mention the emotional roller coaster it puts one on, but you can find happiness again.

You cordon your heart off with red tape, like a CSI crime scene, you analyse every detail of what went wrong, why, who, when etc.

We become experts whilst looking at the chalked outline of your previous marriage.

We use a microscope to analyse our roles in this murder of a partnership. For most people certifiable love tends to end in tears.

Then one day, you meet someone who changes your views on taking on marriage again.

There’s something about a failed marriage that makes one learn from mistakes, and entering into this institution again takes much more work and patience.

A second marriage comes with its own set of circumstances, blending a family together.

We all go into our first, without a doubt that it will last for an eternity.

Marriage involves a total commitment whether it is the person's first, second, or seventh time Marriage holds an honoured place on our wish list, something we believe is necessary for attaining life happiness and fulfilment.

I have heard from many people that marriage the second time around has a stronger chance of survival.

So what’s the difference second time around?...

Is it about age; experience; the need for companionship?

With renewed optimism some of us brave it the second time around.

This overdrive of optimism probably is the reason why it has a higher chance of survival.

We have experienced the heartache, pain and disappointment and know all too well how it can break the strongest person.

So with this knowledge we tend to be wiser, smarter about our choices and decide to get back on the horse.

Likened to a soccer game, “If you lose a soccer game, you ensure that you win the next one, you swop around players, you keep your key players and you will win but only if you learn some new plays before you go back on the field."

There is something special about relationships, some unique and intrinsic element that makes us feel safe enough to give it go again.

Love will delude us, if we keep those walls so high that no one knows you even in there. The rush of romance defies the laws of gravity.

I have asked people who are successful and happy in their second unions; what is the secret?

Is there a secret…?

“One should never have a psychological loophole” a wise friend tells me “Don’t ever use the 'D' word as a way out ever!”

A problem should never be an ellipsis waiting to swallow you at the first sign of unhappiness.

We are deeply social creatures, when there is conflict, we should not allow it to unsettle us to the point where it becomes a threat to the marriage.

Advice is something most people give freely, you have a choice, use it or lose it.

Since this is virgin territory for me, I have decided to store the advice in my memory bank. There's no harm in sharing though, so here goes:

•“Replace the image in your head of what a perfect man/woman should be. Coming together with a new person is like a jigsaw puzzle, it happens piece by piece not like a flick of a light switch."

•Don’t worry if he/she will be a better partner, start by being a better partner.

•Learn to love complexity – this will be complex I assure you.

•Defuse your anger – don’t allow anger and resentment to creep in.

•Communicate about everything – be open about your dislikes or irritations

•Don’t dig up the past

•Negotiate external forces together as a team

•Coping with kids – be fair, but be kind!

•Go beyond selfishness

•There needs to be a solid core of common interests that allows two people to make this work, whatever that interest is, work on building that, spend quality time together, in fact this should be standing rule.

•One should be open to new experiences, even some things that may have been tried and rejected in a prior marriage (eg., watching soccer, or hiking)

•To have a fair shot at this second time around takes work, it doesn’t have to be hard.

•A positive attitude, an absolute determination to make this one work, is paramount.

•Let everything happen in a real and natural way, don’t force things.

So on day 4 of my second marriage, I definitely am taking some of the advice from those have been there and done that. But I am also relying on my gut and intuition to help me on this journey.

Check out Saffiya's blog and follow her on Twitter

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