Love & Sex Experts

Question

Posted by: Nella | 2011-06-10

Q.

Should I go back to my ex-husband

My ex-husband and I were married for 9 years and like all marriages, we had our ups and down. A year before we got divorced we started taking drugs to "spice-up" our sex lives and then that started to spiral out of control. My husband started cheating on me and then divorced me to live with a woman (who had his child in the meantime). I never moved on - no matter how hard I tried. I did meet someone and thought that I will be okay to marry this man and have a normal life. We are very different, however. Like chalk & cheese. In the beginning that was exiting, but it soon started to have a negative effect on our lives and on my childrens' lives. We got married 2 years ago. My ex-husband has since left this "other woman" and is currently working in Africa. Whenever we (me and my ex) had problems we would phone each other and discuss this or just be there for one another. Now he wants me back! He has asked for forgiveness for what he has done and says that with all the time he has on hand, he realises what a mistake he has made and that he hates himself for what he did to me. He wants me back in his life and loves me very much. I have never stopped loving him even after the hurt that he caused, and would do anything for us to be back together, yet I am scarred. All in all we have known each other for 17 years now, we got divorced 6 years ago and I feel the same I felt the first day I met him. Should I give him another chance, can people change? We see each other 1 a month when he visits from Africa and talk daily. He says that if there is a change for things to workout with my current husband that he does not want to take that away from me, he wants me to be happy, but if I want to go back to him, he will be there for me. What do I do?

Expert's Reply

A.

Mrs Miller Mrs Miller
- 2011-08-15

You poor thing. It seems that you've had a rough time this past decade or so.

Before we get on to the advice bit, I want to tell you what worries me from your letter:

•    your first marriage wasn't very successful, even before the drug taking and the affairs.
•     your second marriage doesn't sound as if it fulfills you. Why did you get married when you knew you hadn't moved on? Was it a rebound thing?
•     at the moment your ex is living in Africa so it's not like the two of you have been spending a lot of time together recently. Why has he come to this decision to want you back suddenly?
•     when last did you see each other? Sharing problems over the phone does not a relationship make.
•     someone who hates himself will never be a good partner.
•    you say you are scarred. If you don't forgive him completely and trust him completely you will always have a hollow relationship.

Despite all of the above you may still find happiness with this man. People do not change, but with therapy and learning their behaviour can change.

Are you sure you're not looking for a miracle though? You know this man: he has cheated on you and left you for another woman and now he has (probably) cheated on her and is leaving her for another woman (you).

I would suggest you seek therapy to face the issues you need to face. Do you want to stay with your new husband? Do you want to get entangled in a relationship with your ex again? Shouldn't you be alone for a while to sort out your emotions and your life?

I'd suggest the latter. And then your ex can start slowly to win your trust back. I'd be wary before I'd take him back. Perhaps you must give him time to prove that he really wants you and that he is willing to change. But I do strongly suggest you seek therapy.

Good luck.


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