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Question

Posted by: Olga | 2012-11-05

Q.

Relationship post-fighting

Hi Mrs Miller :) My boyfriend and I decided to give it a last try on our relationship over 7 weeks ago. We have been dating for about 11 months now and it started off really great. Along the way I picked up fights on silly trivial issues mostly due to me being insecure with him due to bad past experience. I didnt see how silly it was until a couple of weeks ago. The fights always ended up being very intense and pointing fingers both ways. I guess i was scared to commit 100% and was so sure that he was doing something wrong while he really wasnt. The fighting killed quite a bit of our spark and feelings for each other where we backed off in terms of committing again feeling-wise, like my boyfriend says: to fall in love again. He wants to go back to how we were before the fighting - cloud 9 feeling. But i told him that it is not realistic enough. I asked him time for me to sort out my mind/thoughts so then i could attack him less with fighting and we have been fighting-free for almost 7 weeks now and it has made a difference as we are happy together. We had an in depth chat on Saturday where he did confirm that he is holding back, which i was fearing of and anticipating but i guess its a natural reaction to from both sides. He said he is struggling to fall back into the wagon of falling in love with me, which really hurt to hear that from him, but i also feel the same. I do know we can go past this and that we can re-build what we had in the start or re-build to a new start and go from there. He says he wants me and wants to be with me and wants to settle in future with me. But i found it confusing as it contradicts him holding back, does it? He is very keen to try again and make it work-so am i. I am quite unsure how to handle this from now onwards whilst we are giving it another try. I guess i have to give him and myself more time to get back onto the wagon? and not force anything to happen? We are good together and we hope that it will work. thank you very much :)

Expert's Reply

A.

Mrs Miller Mrs Miller
- 2013-01-21

Hi Olga, What you need is radical honesty in your relationship. You need to tell each other your deepest fears and hopes regarding this relationship. In fact, you should probably show him this letter. Silly fights are usually had because something is wrong under the surface, but neither of you want to face it. When you shine a light on the issue, you will often see that the problem (being insecure, expecting too much, etc etc) is not that scary after all. If you guys really love each other and want to make this work, then you need to give each other the chance to step up to the plate and be the best person they can be. Then you'll be able to talk about real things, instead of fighting about stupid things. You'll be able to love and understand each other without holding back. And if it doesn't work, then at least you'll both know you gave it your best shot. Good luck!


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