Anonymous | 2013/01/18
My girlfriend hides from her sexuality
Hi Dr. Eve,
I've got a problem... My girlfriend doesn't seem to enjoy sex, nor does she seem to allow herself to be sexual and flirtatious. We've been dating for almost 7 years, and yet she's just never opened up to me sexually, and it means we're missing a big part of our relationship, and certainly she's falling short in meeting my needs.
Now don't get me wrong - I know most girls don't get turned on by the physical like us boys do, and I try very hard to meet her needs, which is 'quality time'. I'm chivalrous and sweet to her, buy her flowers and pay her compliments. I buy her gifts and do things that she enjoys. Those things, take up many hours of the day, and yet when it comes to the bedroom, it's like she can't get done quick enough, leaving the scales a little tipped in her favour.
I am a well liked, playful guy and have had a successful modelling career, so without being arrogant, women do find me very attractive - so I can't figure out what's holding her back :(
We don't have sex very often (once a month, if that), and when we do, it's awkward, painful for her (she's quite small and while I have a normal penis size when it comes to length, the girth is above average, so it's possible it's not that comfortable for her). Whatever it is, she doesn't share it with me. When we do have sex, she doesn't do anything but just lie there. I feel like a blowup doll would be more interactive :(
She's a sporty, confident girl, so I just can't figure this out. She doesn't like playing with herself, won't watch naughty films with me, and won't try many positions. In fact, most of the time, if we find ourselves fooling around, we just go down on one another, but not even at the same time (69 is out for some reason).
In short, I just feel totally unsatisfied and it makes me think of other girls a lot, and what it would feel like to have sex that I can actually feel emotionally.
She comes from a fairly strict, christian family, and I guess it's perhaps got a lot to do with that (I think she feels like sex is a bad thing), but she's the only woman I've had sex with, and I'm the only guy she's had sex with, so I can't see how she can feel bad about that.
For me, sex in a relationship is special - something no one else can have if you're faithful and without it, I feel hollow.
Is there any advice you could give me on this?
Thanks in advance,
Its awful for both of you to be in a relationship in which there is a lack of sexual satisfaction - for both of you. Im quite sure she's not happy with the sexuality that is happening. She has to be feeling guilty knowing you are dissatisfied and frustrated. And trust me she is at a loss at what to do. Like most other women with low desire , lack of sexual interest, painful intercourse and Im sure unreliable orgasms, she feels the tension that sexuality brings to her and your relationship. So even though she would never write me, she is suffering too.
I can hear you building resentment which is unfair to her: you want sex as a pay off or exchange for all the good "romantic" actions you are doing , like flowers, being nice, sweet, doing chores. She must feel this which will make her avoid sex even more. You should do these things as you love doing them, they make you feel nice.. never with an expectation to get sex.
First problem to manage is your girlfriend's sexual pain.. there is no way anyone will want to have sex whilst anticipating pain. She needs to consult a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor management and then to a sex therapist together. Please ensure this happens. In this way she will get her pain sorted out which will make her dread sexual penetration less. Also you both need to learn how to negotiate healthy sexual relationships together.
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