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Colinda Linda

Balance

Balance Colinda Linda

Feeling slightly overwhelmed by the hustle and bustle of everyday life? Let Clinical psychologist Dr Colinda Linde help you restore balance in your life. Read more

QUESTION

My mom is about 54 years old, Things were ok when we were kids but she has become crazy as the years have passed. We are 3 brothers and 1 sister and we all can't handle her anymore, we want her to go see a doctor to see if it is her menopause but she feels it isn't that and does not want to go but I think the real reason is because she does not have the money to go and I can't help anymore cause I am already paying her rent and food every month. She gets continuous mood swings and then explodes, the next day she acts like nothing is wrong. One day I said her kitchen was looking nice and when I got home she called me and started saying that I think she is dirty and that she does not clean and it was a big fight and this type of stuff happens all the time, she makes up things that are not even there and turns it into a massive fight and she also has a huge problem with my wife and my brother's wife and my sister's husband, she always talks bad about them and it causes trouble as well. Last night I visited there and she was in a mood again and started fighting with me because I offered to take her though to my sister cause she is having a baby and she thought i was being "funny". I am the youngest and I have been sorting out the fights and trying to keep the peace for the last few years, last night I lost it, I am going grey and I am only 26. What do I do about this, I feel like I am walking on egg shells every time I am near her and I have to watch everything I say, my wife does not even want to go to my moms place anymore, I feel so angry inside it is driving me crazy...my hand has already been broken because of a fight we had in the past, all I want is a little peace and I fear the only way I am going to get it is to run away from my family and live on a small island somewhere.. all I have done for the last 10 years is sort out my families problems and I cant take it anymore. I am cracking up! Is there anything I can do for my mom to help without her going crazy because did I mention she needs to see a doctor?

ANSWER

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Tazz 2/3/2010 5:12:34 PM

I understand your dilema. I am 25 and i have similar problems with my mother. Unfortunately my mother also refuses to see a doctor even though i have offered to go for joint counselling sessions with her(as a helping hand). She bluntly refuses and insists that everyone else is at fault. Menopause may be a reason for extreme mood swings. Especially if it is a recent development. If this has been a problem for as long as you remember then i doubt it. The lies and the convinient memory loss over what has happened is something i have dealt with my whole life. After doing some research into the subject i have discovered that my mother may be bipolar. Unfortunately this is just an educated guess and nothing comfirmed by a doctor. I do love my mother but unfortunately i can not help her if she refuses to be helped. I know that of leave my mother alone she will hold it against me for the rest of my life and i will feel like I have abandoned her. A catch 22. Try and get the rest of the family involved in helping her, even if its against her will. Try and explain (i try and do this on good days) about how her reactions are hurting herself and especially the people that love her. See if this may have an effect and get her some help. I gaurantee that she will be hurt and proberbly angry but we all love our mothers but sometimes we need to hurt their feelings in order to help a situation.

Remember also that sometimes when a person has deep seeded issues with life they tend to attack the people they love the most. Our families are generally the most forgiving and taking your frustrations out on them is wrong but unfortunately natural. Try and get your mother some professional help - it may be menopausal, psychological, or it could be something else. Either way professional help can only benifit you and her. Living with such heartache is only going to be detrimental to you in the end. Rather get it sorted now than start to resent her.

I hope that everything turns out for the best. Good luck!

The Ugly Truth 2/4/2010 11:33:05 AM

I went the same route. Very sad. Here is the bottom line. She needs help, and to give her the help she needs, you need a diagnosis. I had to lay a charge of assault for the police to arrest him and by law take him to a state hospital to be diagnosed. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and are now on treatment to control the mood swings. Good luck!

Sarah 2/4/2010 11:54:12 AM

The ugly truth just echoed my sentiments. Some very nasty conditions start out with mood swings and eratic behaviour just like this. She HAS to be seen by a doctor, if for no other reason than to rule out things like parkinsons or dementia. IF she does blow positive, she will at least be medicated.

Anita 2/4/2010 12:19:27 PM

she's on drugs..... get her tested soon!

Koochie 2/4/2010 12:20:39 PM

I know your pain, i am also the youngest and support both my parents, house, food, clothing etc. Put her in the car, say you going for a drive and land up at the doc. My mom had the same kind of "behaviour" turned out she was diabetic (mood swings etc.) don't wait, just do it!

Unknown 2/4/2010 12:44:52 PM

This sounds a lot like Altzheimers, and is very scary, however controllable. Check out website www.aplaceinthecountry.co.za

concerned 2/4/2010 1:35:29 PM

Because you and your siblings are unable to pay for private medical care, ask your doctor for a referral to the local state hospital. Explain all that you have written here so the referral is to the correct department, i.e. phsychiatric, female clinic or wherever. Phone the hospital and make an appointment. Then as Koochie says, put her in a car and take her. If she doesn't have the tests done then, you are left with the legal route as discussed by The Ugly Truth. What you cannot do is nothing. It's not going to easy and you will likely be accused of betraying her. You know it's for her benefit. Let that be your strength and guide. All the best.

GeorGe 2/4/2010 2:42:43 PM

Is it not part of her culture??? Just asking.
Even our prdesident hides behind this cloak!

charlie62 2/4/2010 2:48:39 PM

Overall good advice from everybody. Does she have a close friend, or a sibling? If so, try to involve them. You 4 children could also try to take a united stand and give her an ultimatum. Either she goes to a doctor or you withdraw all support from her. Tough, but I don't see an easy way out of this one.
Sometimes one has to be cruel to be kind and sometimes one has to be prepared to face relatively short-term unpleasantness to reach positive long-term results.

Dr Death 2/4/2010 2:55:03 PM

Try euthanasia.

lj 2/4/2010 3:19:57 PM

Welcome to the world of alziehmers - had the same problem with my gran until her recent passing - we convinced her to go to the doctor by saying one of us had to go adn was "scared". mom instict kicked in and she went with willingly - we had also spoken to the doctor before the time and explained the situation. I don't know what to say otherthan - have strength, love them when they are lucid and try and ignore the bad bits...it is a heartbreaking road to watch the one you love disappear into a hateful monster. Good luck!

craig 2/4/2010 3:21:24 PM

Give her a break. You know EXACTLY what it is. Menopause and I know cause my wife is going thru it now. She knows it but is too stubin to admit it. It is like living with 10 diffrent people...Say one thing wrong and the POO hits the fan. Go with it. One day it will happen to you.... talk to your pharmacist and they should be able to give you advice...

preshen govender 2/4/2010 3:41:43 PM

try old age home,it's like a cash converters for annoying old people

Been There 2/4/2010 3:44:36 PM

I know what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my Dad. Eventually it was because of Altzheimers. Don't postpone. Don't involve the "hangers-on" - meaning the son- daughters-in-law. Get just you siblings together and go see your Mom together. Put it to her straight. Tell her what her behaviour does to your families and that you care about her, but that she needs to see a doctor (the other siblings can pay for it, if need be). Do not forget to tell het YOU LOVE HER! and that you want only what is best for her. Please remember that it is what she DOES that upsets the apple cart, not HER. Good luck.

Badger 2/4/2010 3:51:03 PM

"THROW MAMA FROM THE TRAIN"!!!

Help 2/5/2010 6:54:35 PM

I wish our mothers could learn to appriciate what we do for them,,,because we dont own them anything,,,i pay the Bond for my mother, buying her grocery and when ever i ask her to baby seat my child i have to pay her and i pay her for every thing and still its not enough Im 2 still living with her but when i want to go to my man of 6yrs and the father of my child she will call me with names like bitch,,,i wish i can move out but im thinking ,,,who will support her financially

Sensible 2/10/2010 9:07:52 AM

Why am I not surprised at these pathetic responeses? One need only look at them to know they have NO RESPECT for this mother, who has brought FOUR children into this world, provided for so many years, LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY, been there in SO MANY WAYS, through GOOD AND BAD, and look, she's STILL WITH THEM - RESPECT, LOVE, SUPPORT AND KINDNESS WILL GO A LONG WAY TO GETTING THIS MOTHER TO AGREE TO SEEING ANY DOCTOR. Which of these responses come from DOCTORS? Probably ZERO! Who then gives the right for your DAMNING DISGRACEFUL SPITEFUL wasted words. I admire these children for caring so much - as they surely do, or why would they still be around and still care!! Stick together, show MOM the love she needs,,, that's one the biggest things that she is SECRETLY CRYING OUT FOR... give her what she does not expect from you: YOUR LOVE AND KINDNESS. Hug her and chat with her, you'll see.... she'll go with you.... LOVE HER!

Lilac 2/10/2010 3:57:18 PM

Sounds very similar to my mother in law who is 53 yrs old. She has regular fights with both her kids about trivial stuff, but the next day she pretends like everything is fine. I refuse to visit her, as whatever I say is used against me. She continuously worries about money, but she is very financially secure. Her possessions are her life and cries about every silly thing that happens. She just recently lost her husband and feels lonely now that he is gone, but used to be physically abused by him.
She is always moody but thinks that everyone needs to put her first in their lives, as she brought up 2kids almost on her own.....

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