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SA women can't cope

According to Women24.com's latest survey results, SA women are shouldering most of the responsibility...

Nearing the big 4-0? Did you know that the likelihood of being dependant on anti-depressants increases significantly with age?

It's not surprising then that the results yielded in this year's Female Nation Survey indicates that 15% of women over the age of 40 are prescribed to so-called 'happy pills' compared to only 8% of women under 40.

A quick glance and these numbers don't say much, but if analysed against the 49% of women who say that they are the sole breadwinners in their home, it tells a frightening story.

The pressures of money, coupled with family and various other responsibilities, are too great. And women, unsurprisingly, carry the bulk of the burden.

43 year old Jessie J.* is a married mother of two, who believes she's nearing an emotional breakdown. "My husband can't find work because of his age and the colour of his skin," she says.

Drowning in demands...
"I pick-up as many over-time shifts as I can, because my salary alone, won't cover all the costs," she adds.

To add insult to injury, Jessie says that her financial troubles are not even her top concern. "As a mother, I am the main parent too, and I often lie awake at night, worrying about small, but significant things like whether or not my children are okay; if I remembered to sign my youngest daughter's reply slip..."

"These things," she says, "have taken its toll on me emotionally. "

When is it time to seek help?
Is Jessie a candidate for anti-depressants? And more importantly, will psychopharmaceutical use make a positive difference in her life?

The stats don't seem to think so.

Because of the respondents who swear by their 'wonder drug', only 39% say that they are actually happy.

To put these findings into perspective, we spoke to mental health expert, Monica Spiro. This is what she had to say:

"Sometimes women turn to medication as a 'quick-fix' rather than addressing the issues that are causing the unhappiness. Medication can be extremely helpful for women suffering from chronic depression, or for those who need assistance to manage an acute event. However, in most cases, medication needs to be combined with psychotherapy to tackle the route cause of the unhappiness rather than simply attempting to 'paper over the cracks'.

"People can be reluctant to embark on this journey," adds Monica, "as it often requires confronting and shifting entrenched patterns of behaviour and sometimes making life changes."

Which begs the question: If so many women are bearing the brunt and shouldering most of the responsibility, where are the husbands and fathers? Are anti-depressants the only answer?

Go on, vent your frustrations. Tell us what you think in the box below.

Women24.com's 2009 Female Nation Survey results have been weighted to represent 600 000 urban South African women who: have Matric as a minimum qualification, are over 21 and are earning R4500 or more a month.

- Women24

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Sares 8/4/2009 9:44:13 AM
I have a lot to say in this regard work and people that you work for, stress depression huge lack of empathy. I am 55 yrs trying to make a decision on life and work reached deadlock at this stage.It is like you have a sissor looking at the cord and you want to snip.?????????.
alone 8/4/2009 9:46:07 AM
i cant cope anymore. i not breadwinner but i dont get appreciated
Shez 8/4/2009 9:57:43 AM
Thank goodness my husband and I are equals, and he shares half the chores. I couldn't live with a useless man like the one mentioned in this article, who sits at home but can't help with the kids, he needs a kick up the ass.
Noni 8/4/2009 10:18:45 AM
I totally agree with you Shez. I think men should do their part too. Gone are the days when they can just sit and demand things. Women were not working then. Both parties in the relationship should pull their weight. Its the only way.
Bonne Turner 8/4/2009 10:22:04 AM
Remember that God made women stronger. Surround yourself with friends and family that support you and allow you to vent without judging or blaming. I think we all reach a point where we need some support and recognition. Soem days it may feel that things can't get worse, but remember somewhere out there circumstances are hrader and harsher for someone else. We can't cope, because we don't share our responsibilities. we are too afraid of letting go and trusting someone to help.
Danger Boy 8/4/2009 10:26:58 AM
Woman are all bonkers and should be put in rubber rooms in mental health hospitals after the age of 35 to make the country a safer place!! I say give them more drugs and shut them up... god knows they caused enough hell for me in that god forsaken country... mind you... the men could use a few frontal lobe lobotomies themselves cause they actually fall for all the bullshit the crazy bitches make up!! It is actually a very serious problem that should not be made light of.
annon 8/4/2009 10:30:00 AM
Shez you are right, a no use man you must get rid off. I had a major talk with my hubbie who works half day and earn half my salary. I sat down with him and told him if he is not prepared to help with the chores then we will have to go our seperate ways because I just couldnt cope anymore. A mother who works full time with 3 children and still be expected to do all was unacceptable to me. My days use to start at 6am and end at 10pm. It was like when I go home I start my second shift. So I had to have a serious conversation with my husband who thought it was ok to sit in front of the TV the whole afternoon. He learned how to cook and learned how to clean the basics of the house. Now at least I come home to a clean house and a fully cooked dinner. Not that I want to turn him into a female. We as females must teach males how to do things because the problem is they were never taught these things so basically they dont know how to do it. It was one step at a time with the cooking but eventually it all came right.
B 8/4/2009 10:30:15 AM
Just be grateful if you have a loving partner in your life. It alsways takes two to tango. In any relationship it is 100% from both parties. I am a widow for just on a year now, my husband was the stay home dad. He managed the household sometimes better than I would have if I was the home exec. Rather build each other up than break each other down. it is going to get even tougher before it gets any better with the economic crash.
Betty 8/4/2009 11:05:06 AM
My partner was retrenched in Feb. Having cum lauded his bsc honours degree isn't helping him at all to find a job. Blame recession and his skin colour. First three months were hell for me... I had to be positive, strong and supportive for him (who has gone into major depression with the job loss), while coping with the bills, coping with my new job, coping with the household chores, defending him at my friends/ parents/ colleagues who keep telling me to get rid of him, because in their eyes he isn't not "trying hard enough to a job" etc etc... Similar like annon, I've sat down telling him that I can't cope anymore, and I know he is trying very hard to find a job, but looks like a job isn't going to come soon and he should make a plan. Since then he learned to cook, is cleaning the house and started up his own company while still going for interviews. Although I'm still sole breadwinner and nothing came from the interviews yet, the picture looks much more positive with his new company starting soon and I'm getting full support with the household chores.
Arno 8/4/2009 11:11:50 AM
@Bonne. Yeah right. In what world! If I remember correctly, that's not written anywhere in the good book. It infers that the women is a help-mate (so at best, equals). In any game where you play out of your position you are at a disadvantage, even if you are the best at your game. I was expecting the snap, but kudo's to you gals, it was a good run while it lasted.
Steph 8/4/2009 11:14:04 AM
These statistics are deceptive. If have a look at the results you will find that 50% of the women are either unmarried, divorced or widowed. Being the only partner in their respective household, would automatically make them the main breadwinner. While I feel for women who are expected to shoulder both the burden of bringing home the bacon and raising children, this article is just designed to be sensationalist, and is not a true representation of what's going on in SA
E 8/4/2009 11:20:13 AM
I live in a community of highly skilled, hardworking and sought after men who take up employment for extended period offshore and in other African countries. Us, wives take on all of their responsibilities while they are away. We hold down responsible jobs and run the household effectively. We sometimes run out of steam but have to function anyway. If the anti-depressant is going to help then we will have to take it. Maybe we should start up a support system - It can only help
E 8/4/2009 11:20:13 AM
I live in a community of highly skilled, hardworking and sought after men who take up employment for extended period offshore and in other African countries. Us, wives take on all of their responsibilities while they are away. We hold down responsible jobs and run the household effectively. We sometimes run out of steam but have to function anyway. If the anti-depressant is going to help then we will have to take it. Maybe we should start up a support system - It can only help
Melissa 8/4/2009 11:32:15 AM
Shame on you danger boy? you probably suffer from small man?s syndrome and only but wish you could be dangerous? maybe you should change your name to anger boy? and go for some management?
Mel 8/4/2009 11:40:30 AM
This article is extremely badly written. I am appalled at the bad quality of the writing - don't you bother with copy editors for online content? You really should.
vendetta 8/4/2009 11:48:16 AM
Got a vendetta against the writer, Mel?!
Anon 8/4/2009 11:48:54 AM
My husband's salary has been cut for the sixth month now (July), and I have been having to help out financially, and boy oh boy! it does start having an effect on me and my salary. I dont mind helping at all because this way I am also appreciated as a "bread winner". For six months we have battled thru, but somehow we have survived every month, also bringing up a 2 and a half yr old. We still have smiles on our faces and are still thankful for what we have. Thank goodness he's heading for a new job by the end of August!
Arno 8/4/2009 11:49:10 AM
@Mel, Come now don't be so harsh. The article is just a case in point.
Breadcrumbs 8/4/2009 11:58:25 AM
good topic
Stewart 8/4/2009 12:27:42 PM
Women have themselves, chosen to enter the business world of men. They must therefore accept the pressures that was always the domain of men. It is wonderful to sit as a man who works under women leadership and find them struggling to cope with the pressures. I have been discriminated against and become the worker again. I am loving every minute of it. I now have the balanced life. Women are trying to hard. Senior Management in organisations are taking advantage of the "previously disadvanteged" employees. Us men are still sitting in pubs, laughing about the takeover of the "previously disadvantaged. We are not fools, we are not sharing our knowledge and skills.
LH 8/4/2009 12:35:51 PM
I can understand what all these ladies are going through. I'm a 49 year old working mom (widowed 8 years ago), with still 11 year old ADHD boy at home. Work full time for a VERY VERY demanding ungreatfull boss, love my job but not the stress that accompanies the job. Battles to keep up and pay the bills, no partner to help, can't find a better paying job because of my age. I've got no choice, I'm fedup, don't know where it is going to end.
Verushca 8/4/2009 12:36:19 PM
Arno, You're right in a way, but some times women have no choice but to wear the pants in the house. Some men just cant cope with being the head of the household. I am not sure if it is due to their upbringing, but it is difficult as a women to have a thirty something year old baby in the house. I am making sure that I teach my son to be a man, so that at least his wife will be able to be the help-mate. As it is now, I am forcing my husband to be a MAN, but it is very stressful because I have to teach him basic things like to be an example to the kids, to discipline them, and financially..... that's a story for another day. I cannot even rely on him to pay the electricity on time. I have to do it or else my children will have to spend their evenings in the dark. I would say that us as women must make sure that we raise our sons to be the MEN that they're suppose to be.
Arno 8/4/2009 1:05:44 PM
@Veruscha, I concede. Hope both your boys will be men some day (sooner than later). To @LH and the rest of you having a hard time to cope.. perhaps the not so popular option of a support system would be the best way; or at least a start.
W 8/4/2009 1:21:33 PM
I work full time and when I get home the other work starts. Ensuring the kids' homework are done, the house is tidy, food on the table, laundry done - I just can't cope anymore!!! I love my husband a lot, but he is the typical male - it's the women's job to look after the kids and the house.
linda 8/4/2009 1:27:16 PM
Anti depressants are easier to get and med aid pay some of the costs. To go to counselling is expensive and one needs to take time off work which creates more stress. I desparatly tried to go that route but times and costs are not viable
Amber 8/4/2009 1:36:38 PM
@Arno: you are such a drag! what are you doing reading a woman's column anyway? I agree that men are the 'head of the house', but we are surely stronger than you are! Try giving birth or doing our daily tasks when we come home from work while you're lounging on the couch! Girls rock!! And we don't need anti depressants either. You are as strong as you make your mind up to be!
Lindi 8/4/2009 1:37:03 PM
I sympathise with those that feel the brunt of being unemployed because of the colour of their skin. I remember one time when I had to go through the same dilemma during the 80's and the 90's all because the "color" of my skin.Thank you that now the other "colour "can feel what the the other color was feeling during those time of the previous regime.What goes around comes around,but I wish you all the best only if you can be strong just like the other color I know that you will survive just like we used to. Better still not to get a J.O.B than to settle a J.O.B and still be underpaid or financially discrimintate? All because of the color. Oh color! Color! Why colour?
GM 8/4/2009 1:39:20 PM
I am the breadwinner in our family and the mother, but I have to say that my husband carries MUCH of the load in running a family and making sure all parties are both emotioinally and practically cared for
Jean 8/4/2009 1:45:32 PM
I am single person, 55 years old so there is only one salary coming in. I feel like I am not coping and we have been put on short time, and everybody is saying that you have a lest still got your job. I went on to happy pills it did help me. I need to be positive to keep myself going I don't have someone to help me out. So yes my age and my colour skin don't help.
pook 8/4/2009 1:46:51 PM
It's a pity we live in such a racist country where whites are hated and not offered equal oppertunities. Previously disadvantaged my bottom.It's been 15 years! I grew up dirt poor, never went to Varsity, had to work my way up and now face retrenchment because of my skin colour as well. I can only imagine the stress it must put on a women over 40 to support her (very able) husband and family as well. All because of the new racism.
Annon2 8/4/2009 1:54:33 PM
My husband and I both work but my salary and position outrank his in a ratio of about 4 to 1. We're both over the age of 35 and we have one toddler and another baby on the way. I am finding it difficult to manage being the 'main' parent as such. I understand that his job is demanding and he works for a crappy company but he doesn't get that when coming home and expecting to veg out in front of the t.v. doesn't sort stuff out. I've tried talking but I'm perceived as nagging and being insensitive to his stresses. Because I don't know how to get through to him without it becoming a slanging match I've stopped talking and I just do. So I know what the concept of a "second shift" feels like also. I've read articles that suggest that men feel emasculated by the advancements women have made in the work place and that they cannot adjust to the concept of equal responsibilities etc (and people like Arno and Dangerboy) clearly seem to be be suffering from this!!) but surely there's got to be some recognition of the need to change the way you approach life? For those of you who have managed to get through to your partners well done. I'm far from done with trying but it remains difficult to cope. And for the men who don't get the concept of change in these areas of your lives and who belittle other men who have got the concept its a pity that you cannot/will not earn the 'bacon' so that we don't have to try and help you. That way, like the good Book says (yeah right) we could go back to being your personal slaves -NOT!
faith 8/4/2009 1:55:52 PM
I totally agree that men should also start doing some chores and not have that idea that their moms used to do everything. Some men feel that it is a woman's duty well I wish my hubby can start moving his lazy ass to try and do something around the house, like cleaning the yard, washing the dog and the car or painting the house. I have three daughters a full time job for the last 23 years with no leave except for over the festive season. I am my daughters taxi/doctor/teacher/councellor/entertainer/maid/cook and everything that a child needs while hubby always have an excuse not to be able to do anything because his friends needs hom more.I am also a sunday school teacher and do testifying work twice a week. I am 41 years old and feel that I am heading for a nervous breaking but will not consider taking medication to prevent a breakdown I just trust in the LORD for my strenght and wellbeing is there maybe a group where woman like me can belong to just to destress
Arno 8/4/2009 2:08:09 PM
@Amber. I suppose I was lured in by the article on news24's homepage. Sure you are stronger, no really. I cook when I get home and sometimes I do a bit of ironing myself(weekly), but I guess the child bearing argument has no equal, my fault.
HRHBeetjie 8/4/2009 2:09:24 PM
@ Steward. Yes, some women may have CHOSEN to work but for the rest of us we HAVE to. I'm not married to a big shot that earns R1 million a year, therefor I have to do my part to contribute financially to our house hold.
Roger 8/4/2009 2:18:57 PM
I thank God for my wife. She is a pillar of strength. I think that very few couples take the "for better and for worse" phrase seriously. My business is struggling in this economy and though I do feel emasculated she has stood by me every second. I know it has been tough for her and she has maintained her composure. Once again - thank God for my wife!
Karen 8/4/2009 2:35:52 PM
One of the top CEOs in this country (and probably the world) is in her early 40s and is the mother of four children between the ages of 8 and 13. My grandmother signed up for both the Women's Auxillary Airforce and the Land Army at the same time during World War II and worked two shifts a day. Albertina Sisulu worked the night shift at Johannesburg General Hospital and attended the Treason Trial during the day, sewing on the bus and in court to bring in extra income. There is a precedent set that women can achieve incredible things. I wonder though whether there is something inherently more burdensome in financial worries than merely hard work alone. Or are we less accepting of unfair burdens than our forebearers might have been? Why can't we cope the way they did? I don't know the answer; maybe I am barking up the wrong tree.
HA-HA!!!! 8/4/2009 2:37:37 PM
Arno you do realise that all the @home support family men received from their women when they were the breadwinners is what made the difference. So it isn't the position we're playing that is the problem but rather that the rules of the game were not kept the same!!
ZM 8/4/2009 2:41:19 PM
its true, things can be tough I think irespective who lost the job or what, everyone needs to be responsible and let us all help in everything, woman may look stronger but when they break down its sad, as sometimes its only seen at the advance stage, so there are no woman or man's chores this is our home which we all need to take care of, I guess I am blessed to have a husband who have that mentality.
Living in another Reality 8/4/2009 2:41:59 PM
I don't understand everyone talking about not getting jobs because of the colour of their skin... I have never had a problem with getting a job, nor has my husband, and the portion of our friends who fit the same racial bill... and neither he nor I have any more than post-grad diplomas... Are we just lucky? or looking at the situation differently? We also split the chores and baby care equally. Sometimes when you are not coping, you need to look at what YOU are doing to be int hat situation. Having "everything" is possible, it just depends on your definition of "everything".
@Stewart 8/4/2009 2:44:24 PM
You missed the point buddy, clearly reading isn't one of those skills we don't need from you. The point is that men don't help with chores when women actually do the same job as them. Go back to the bar, thats the only place you will be respected.
GL 8/4/2009 2:48:22 PM
@B. Too true. It's sad to see how many people here are so keen to bash their other halves. You see things differently when they're gone. Build each other up, people, build each other up.
Lone Ranger 8/4/2009 2:51:40 PM
@Steward. Do a little bit of research to find out what percentage of women who work are in "power" positions and how many are part of the general workforce, women who have NO CHOICE but to work - you will see how invalid your argument is. And oh, your sarcasm does not escape us - or should I call it sour grapes? A true leader is someone who empowers others and shares knowledge and skills - probably the reason why the lady got the job and you didn't. Will you also blame "women leadership" when you lose your job because you won't/can't apply your alledged knowledge and skills?
Amber 8/4/2009 3:01:07 PM
@Arno. sorry -didn't mean to sound harsh! Good on you for doing some housework! Luckily so does my fiance :-)
@Lone Ranger 8/4/2009 3:13:13 PM
APPLAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!
Peter 8/4/2009 3:38:39 PM
8 years ago I made a bad business decision that cost me my company. Wrong skin colour and all the other problems for SA males made finding a job very difficult. I went into depression and my wife had to step in and 'carry the candle'. She did so willingly, but not without personal cost (like stress and bordeline petty theft to make ends meet). It took me 2 years to sort myself out and start consulting God like I was supposed to. It took 7 years to recover financially and assume my role again. When I was ready to assume my designated role again, my wife did not want to let go.Face it, she liked calling the shots. That caused a whole lot of new issues, as it is a man's job to provide, not woman's. Contributions are most welcome though :-) I have to say though, men have become wussies too (myself included). We lost the directions on how to be husbands, fathers and businessmen. God had shewn me how offcentre I was, and what I had to do to save my family and myself. It was hell to admit and change, but I did it and I am grateful for a second chance to be what my family wants me to be. Still not there yet, but working hard towards it. As for business, rock solid business practices and opportunities thanks to God.
just me 8/4/2009 3:44:37 PM
I wouldn't say it is only women suffering with how everything about this world is changing. But I do agree that not all men realise how much pressure are being put on a lot of women who work & go home to work even more because they don't help out with chores at home. I hate it if my boufriend doesn't help me keeping the place clean & neat. He's not the only one working. So, definitely, here communication & equal respect is the most important thing!
Keith 8/4/2009 3:45:20 PM
I am married my wife and I both have jobs,and we both share the chores.These days you need to do this,if there is any man out there who is not doing this,then they should go and see a doctor!!
mpumie 8/4/2009 3:47:29 PM
Most men were spoil as children that why they can't grow up. Men always depend on the womn for anything, they can cook but there are lazy to do that.
Hennie 8/4/2009 3:51:09 PM
This is the lifestyle most woman wanted, so carefull what you ask for, you may get it.
Siddiq 8/4/2009 4:04:23 PM
Not to over-analyze this situation, i think that her husband should emotionally support her and take on a home executive role, preventing her from an emotional melt-down or burn-out. He should man up and become the loving husband, father in sharing all the responsibilities that it takes to run a family and maintaining a healthy married life.
mpumie 8/4/2009 4:05:27 PM
@Hennie You didn't read the article, no women want to work 2 shift a day and the partner is laying down on the couch. To work full shift at work and come back home nothing has been done like cooking, washing dishes or helping kids with homework nobody asked for that.
mpumie 8/4/2009 4:06:07 PM
@Hennie You didn't read the article, no women want to work 2 shift a day and the partner is laying down on the couch. To work full shift at work and come back home nothing has been done like cooking, washing dishes or helping kids with homework nobody asked for that.
Barbi Pulvenis 8/4/2009 4:36:22 PM
I was unemployed for 4 months and lucky for me, my partner was very supportive even though we were battling financially. I now have an awesome job and he is also starting a new job. We both believe in supporting each other no matter what the circumstances are. We both have 2 children from previous marriges, so all in all there are six of us in a house together. Love, support and communication between partners is the best thing for a relationship to work without judgment of what the other person is doing. We help each other 100%, no matter how busy our days have been. He cooks, cleans, fetches the children when I can't, looks after them when I am sick. He is the most awesome man ever and I am lucky to have him in my life
aeon 8/4/2009 4:41:16 PM
I am a 26 year old white male. And I can cook and clean better than most females for that matter. My mother could not bring up her 'typical male husband' herself, so she made sure I'll be better in that regard. I too am unable to find work because of my skin colour... But I did not choose apartheid and I did not choose the new South Africa racism... And I have coloured people that are still dependant on me, which I now have to start ?dropping?, because I?m not financially coping, but guess what? Their own coloured people will not stop and help them. And yes, it has been 15 years of ?freedom?. Now where do you people think we'll be in 15 years with all the hatred, unbalanced partnerships, ?reverse? racism and pent up emotions? :-/
pamela quinton 8/4/2009 5:49:39 PM
If there are any men out there without a job--Find a product--join Bidorbuy--South Africa's equvalent of ebay and make money from the comfort of your home
me 8/4/2009 6:31:07 PM
I am coloured woman and own a business and after being treated like crap by white afrikaans males, I made an oath not to EVER employ a white afrikaans male EVER or to give them business or do business with them for that matter. I am sorry for the innocent victims, but this is the feeling I get from my other non-white business associates as well. We are now in a position to choose what to tolerate, and I have made my decision.
Rhino 8/4/2009 6:57:19 PM
I've allowed my wife to stay at home and do home schooling with our two girls. She runs a business from home, but have someone employed who deals with most of it. When I get home in the afternoons I do the cooking (bcause I love it) and over weekends I spend my time renovating the house. Even in this setup I get the arguments that I dont do enough around the house to help out. Maybe I should let her read some of these comments.
Chris 8/4/2009 7:14:32 PM
The article was clear on the use of 'feeling happy' drugs and them not addressing the root cause. Looking at the times of your submissions, it was clear to me that all of you at least have taken off some time during your busy schedules at work to reply. I am the sole breadwinner in my household, working an eleven hour day, and even weekends, but I still do my own laundry and help out with some of the chores at home, not expecting my wife to do everything. The bottom line......not all men (husbands are lazy).
Lynn 8/4/2009 7:52:37 PM
As a mid 40 yr old woman - for years I have been the bread winner in my full time job, also running a small business to bring in extra cash and helping my husband with his business as well as having a small child! It never ends! Thankfully my husband now earns a reasonable salary with his business and does help around the house - but the pressure is still there to survive and being able to cope!
Anon 8/4/2009 8:12:00 PM
The woman bringining home the bacon does put tremedous pressure on relationships. Men hate it when they don't feel like they are the 'head' contributors. When I was married, this was the case. My ex had such a low self esteem as he wasn't getting ahead and was not able to take over the bills. This made him a very depressed and negative person. That's not why we got divorced, but it certainly added to the pressure of our marriage a significant amount. I will be hesitant to marry someone again who does not have as a sucessful career as I do. And, I think live in the NOW - men and woman must share chores. I am a Christian but I don't believe in the old age nonsense some men are talking about here. We are totally equals in this life. To the person who made the comment that it's a 'man's world... rubbish! Both sexes balance each other out well in the workplace. Everyone is equal!!!
Peter 8/4/2009 10:33:20 PM
Danger Boy, you're use of Boy tells us what you are. A slly, immature, idiot boy trying to be a "man". This is the 21st century, the days of women being at home, pregnant, in the kitchen went out with the Nazis. In the modern world few middle class families can do without the economic input of the wife. If the wife is forced to work then any man who is a man will do his bit to make her life in the home easier. If you don't you are an ungrateful slob, unworthy of respect!
Hennie 8/4/2009 10:40:48 PM
Mpumi, I read it in deed. I think you just don't get it. Remember womans lib, burn the bra, equal rights and AA/EE. Now the woman were given the men's jobs, the men are unemployed and you now want to degrade them further, by turning them into a maid. I guess it would then be futile to have a discussion with you on the dissasterous effect of aborting apartheid.
Robert 8/5/2009 7:39:23 AM
I'm with Keith on this one. To anyone that feels that things aren't equal for what ever reason I suggest you re-look at your partnership. I honestly don't care who's making more, my wife or myself because at the end of the day it all goes into the same pot. Then again, perhaps I'm the exception? Although I doubt that.
Mongi 8/5/2009 8:08:08 AM
Yah im also feeling the terribly pain of doing everything and my husband is keeping on eating up all his money.Im getting rid of him and i feel good about the decision.
pearl 8/5/2009 8:17:31 AM
I don't know when was the last time a I had a good night sleep. At night I spend hours thinking about how to survive with my kids and where will I get the money to pay the bills. I am over debted and I am the only one who brings bacon at home.Its bad I can't cope anymore.
Al 8/5/2009 8:20:00 AM
I wish I had a wife like that, I do everything around kids and house. Wife just goes to work and back and she is always tired or doing something for herself, I'm at the breaking point I just can not keep up with my work and house obligations.
John 8/5/2009 8:44:02 AM
I believe both partnes are equally responsible for family chores, and no reason the Kids should be spared either. I regularly do the weeks shopping or cook the family meal, without even having to be asked o think twice about it. I think most men out there have it easy and still live in the dark ages where the woman does all the work at home, supposedly because they bring home the bacon. Catch a wakeup guys.
Karen 8/5/2009 9:04:58 AM
Hennie - your message at 22:40 has left me absolutely gobsmacked! Obviously you are not a person with whom anyone could debate anything and certainly it would not be worth the effort. Save as to say, please won't you do us a favour and emigrate?
dari 8/5/2009 9:07:20 AM
I'm a professional person, wife and parent. I get up, get the child ready for school, rush like mad so we're not late - my husband sleeps merrily through all this. In the afternoon, I leave work in a frantic rush to get my child here and there, then I get home to cook and do chores. My husband breezes in, kisses us, smiles at us and goes to gym to parks himself off in front of the TV. He ony makes a bit more money than I do, and we could well afford to get someone to help me, but he'd rather we don't spend the money on that.
mpumie 8/5/2009 9:25:48 AM
Thanks Karen - Hennie, Karen is right you need to emigrate, because you don't know the word 'share'. Partners must everything.
julie 8/5/2009 9:32:08 AM
Its hard to cope with everything. Having a baby, a full time job, being a good partner and looking after the house is exhausting. I get tremendous help from my partner, but find that he doesn't acknowledge how hard it can beat times. I have not slept a whole night in 8 months. I see by the posts that there are many men in similar positons as me. I went the psychotherapy route. Its long and expensive but nothing in liee comes easily. Happy pills have their place for sure, but the problems will still be there when you stop them. If you stop them.
SAndra 8/5/2009 9:45:29 AM
It's tragic that 99% of SA women are the sole breadwinners, however they are still expected to do deal with emotional, sexual etc.. frustrations alone & they still get paid less than their male counterparts.. 20th century female (working mother etc) + 1st centuray male (still think the female must attend to all housework etc.) will always clash. With some support from males the stress will be less on the full time working female.
Shereen 8/5/2009 10:39:42 AM
Being the sole breadwinner is like walking a mine field.I struggle to get everyone out of the house on time in the morning, go to work and put up with all the stress of a company thats struggling to stay afloat, then I get home in the evening and my husband expects me to spend time with him , I have to see to my son's homework , listen to my daughters when they talk to me about their day. when I eventually get to bed , I'm exhausted and my brain won't switch off , so I often end up having bad dreams. I don't dare complain too much because this puts added pressure onto my husband , who's already terribly depressed because he can't find work.He contributes by cleaning , doing my washing and fixing anything that broken. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know where it's going to end. I will not consider using medication except for my Blood pressure medication. For the rest , I put my trust in God and take each day as it comes.
Syllo 8/5/2009 11:21:02 AM
This is the 21st century, women have protested for equal rights in the work place and they have succeeded will admit that being a male in today?s society we are worth nothing, Earlier society dictates that males should work and be the bread winner in the family and females should stay home and look after the children and the family affairs ,now hear is were it gets funny when males did the work they never did any chores and the reason behind it was that the wife would look after the husband as the husband looks after the wife and children by providing food and shelter. Now with our ever changing society and world, women have become more independent and they do not rely on their male counterparts anymore, being very liberal my self I say right on as females are contributing to the household (either small or being the main breadwinner of the family) they have to be given equal say in the matter of household affairs and that chores should be divided amongst them, As for the males that stay at home because the can not get work boo hoo there is always work if you look hard enough and wile you are at home don?t just lounge about take over the female responsibilities ?cooking cleaning, looking after the kids? and for the male chauvinistic pigs that say we are degrading the male species even more should look at the facts, you already don?t have a job stop leaching on your wife and pull your weight .
Popsy 8/5/2009 1:45:11 PM
Thirty odd years ago I lived this same scenario. Nothing ever changes......So what's new? Just grin and bear it and hope it gets better, but don't get your hopes up!
Annon 8/5/2009 2:40:33 PM
I agree that men must do their equal share. Mothers must teach their sons that they need to their chores as much as what their sisters are doing. In our religion men are even required to do everything. ( working,cooking, cleaning of the house and ect) If a woman does anything house work, cooking and ect she is doing it as a goodwill gesture and not as a rule.
FVDL 8/7/2009 5:34:58 PM
Reading this article enforces the fact that I'm not the only one facing this situation. However I do have to say the following. You ladies are incredibly strong willed, independent, intellegent and resilient to situations that you get dropped into. If the man in your life really loves and cares for you and your children he would be prepared to help you in any way possible if he can't find work. I don't understand why they think that they are just too good to help where needed. They think that household chores don't take much effort, that's why they leave it for you. If that were the case w aren't they doing it. Let's face it, if he's not prepared to help in any way possible seeing as he can't find a job. It boils down to one thing HE'S LAZY (which is probably another reason he can't find a job). Is he really trying hard enough! You're already supporting yourself, your children and HIM, so get rid of the unnecessary burden. If this thought doesn't appeal to you then I'm afraid to say YOU NEED TO GRIN AND BARE IT WITHOUT COMPLAINING. Ladies stay strong, just re-evaluate your situation from outside the box and cut the losses. If you don't look after yourselves what good are you to those that you love.
Fi 8/7/2009 5:47:40 PM
The comment made by Hennie on the 04/08/09 at 2:40 is the most ridiculous statement ever. Has he ever wondered why Woman's Lib came about. I think not, Men don't think that far. Let's see why this transformation could have taken place. If it weren't for men leaving their partners pregnant and left alone to support the family THERE WOULD NOT BE WOMANS LIB. If men weren't too proud to do anything to look after their families THERE WOULDN'T BE WOMANS LIB. If men didn't treat their partners like maids THERE WOULDN'T BE WOMANS LIB. So what did these arrogant men expect us resourceful woman to do? Sit back and feel sorry for ourselves. I think not. A man makes a plan but a woman has a plan. Men be a man and own up to your responsibilities and stop hiding behind things like WOMAN'S LIB etc.
Joy-Mari 8/18/2009 12:50:55 PM
I absolutely agree with Mel and no, I doubt she has a vendetta against the writer.
June 8/19/2009 5:47:16 PM
HENNIE if most woman who believed in WOMAN'S LIB EARNED what the guys did in those days then it would be great being a breadwinner....MOST WOMAN BURNT THEIR BRA but they still earning what woman earned when MEN where the breadwinner, give us what you earned way back then THEN we could say BURN THE BRA!
mg 8/20/2009 4:54:18 PM
People are always trying to find someone to blame. Stop the blame shifting game and take responsibility.Things change and we all need to learn to deal with it- both men and women.Being angry does not help anything or change anyone.Its just make matters worse.
Fed up 9/23/2009 9:53:33 AM
I have a very stubborn partner. I am full time employed woman who makes every effort to support and cover up for his efortlessness but all that he does he complains to say i am disrespectful. I am paying the bond, bills, his clothes that he take on my account and the car that he is driving comes of from my account and sometimes he cant even pay me back. Recently i suggested we install a DSTV but he wasnt even interested to help show the installers around the house just to make sure everything was in order he just sat there disinterested but now tell you what he comes home he switches on his favorite station and he sits there waiting for me to prepare his food. He doesnt have a proper job. He is self employed so i try as much to support him but i am tired now because he doesnt help me in anyway. I have to do his washing, cook, clean the house see to it that the bills are paid and he is there complaining that i want to control him. What must i do? I tell him to leave me alone and get somebody that will respect and accept all his nonsense but he is there clinging onto me. Obviously i cant move out because thats my flat i am paying for it every month. The thing is i complain about him he says i am doing it because i am too much of myself. Tell me what am i supposed to do in this kind of situation? He is stubborn you cant tell him anything and he cant even buy me a dress or anything i am the one responsible for everything and i am not allowed to say anything i must just pump out money and look after him. I am really tired.
anon1 11/25/2009 1:04:58 PM
From the beginning of time men couldn't handle stress and they still can't.They are just big babies, from the boss to the hubby. that's why us women have to do everything and then they call us controlling and unsubmissive and those that can't control their anger and frustration, beat their women up.
SJn 1/19/2010 7:43:33 AM
I cannot cope everyone just asumes that their Jobs, work house is my problem
Debbie 3/8/2010 3:21:53 PM
Can identify with 'Fed-up' - everything in my name 'cos I paid for it while he sat at home or 'did coffee' with other commission paid (right) collegues. How do you physically throw him out even after you have asked him to leave. I can't sell and move on 'cos no-one is buying right now. Trapped. Marriage has been dead for years. Did the happy pills about 10 years ago but got off them soonest and will never go back there again. I know what my buttons are now so no matter how stressed and fed up - I am in control. Wouldn't mind spending the next 20 years being looked after by a gentleman - I'd happily be a home wife. Working is over-rated - the trick is to find the gentleman.
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