Losing everything and finding myself

A story about how losing everything helped Gugu find her true self...

Article: Gugu Mofokeng

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Freeing myself from a psychopathic lover (I call him a psychopath because of his behaviour and actions, only he wasn't one as he was fully aware of his dehumanising actions) came at a great cost to me; having lost my house, part of my ear, my self-worth and my dignity.

It is still not easy for me to cope with that situation, but I am trying very hard to face my giant. In the name of love, I again found myself trapped with a psychopath, but because of God, who is the source of my life and destiny, he gave me another chance to prove to the world that he alone "can turn my scars into stars"; "my pains into other people's gains" and "bad into good."

All my life I have experienced abuse, and yet today I am a strong and confident woman in pursuit of my destiny and because I understand that God was training me for a great battle that women, children and men are facing. The experiences were not easy, but today I believe it was worth it. There is this myth that Christian women cannot be abused, it's not true, I think many are wearing masks and are scared to tell the truth. Abuse has no gender, colour, race or religion.

I got myself trapped with a psychopath in 2006. At the time, I was still hurting and on the run from another abusive man. Initially I thought to myself that God must finally be answering my prayers, giving me a father, a friend and the man of my dreams.

He loved me and couldn't live without me. He asked me to move into a back room with him at his mother's house. I loved him so much, so I left my house to stay with him. For a year and five months, I totally abandoned my house and it was broken into twice. We were together 24 hours 7 days a week and lived as if we could not breathe without one another.

He introduced me to pornography and dagga, so that I can be high and do the things we saw in movies. Again because I thought this was love, I did those things. Because of my desire to please him, I turned into a sex slave. He enjoyed sex in such a way that when I was busy or tired he would cry. He would literally lock me in the room for us to be together. If I wanted to go to my house or to visit my family he would accompany me, but two hours away from his place was too much.

When his friends came to visit him five minutes was too long, after which he would chase them away. He allowed some friends to stay longer, but on leaving, he would accuse me of having affairs with them and beat me up. His method was this: he would never beat me during the day; he would switch the lights off, sit on my torso with my arms at my side and only my head exposed, he would slap me nonstop for what felt like three or four hours, until my face became numb and swollen.

While beating me he would accuse me of "ukumfebela" while also telling me about how much he loved me. In the end, he would blame me from having pushed him to do what he did, cry, apologise, then lock me in the room and buy me gifts. He would still have sex with me as part of saying sorry.

When went to buy food, clothes, furniture and even my underwear, together. He abused me financially, he never gave me money, he chose the clothes I wore and the food I ate. Sometimes he would prevent me from seeing my family and from checking my house. There were times I ran away only for him to find me.

One day I decided to run away to a place he would never suspect. I switched off my cellphone for a month, but he finally found me. Since I loved him, I went back with him. In the month that I had left him, he found himself another woman who moved in. He told me he did not love her and he was sorry. When we went back to "our home" that night, the woman came.

He tried to stop her from entering, but she fought her way in. He tried to solve the matter but the woman refused to go anywhere. She undressed and got into the bed that I thought was only for the two of us. At midnight, he carried me onto the bed. He raped me, in his words, to justify his love for me.

After that, the other woman asked him for sex and they did it in front of me. I felt dead and useless, as if this was not happening. The following morning, I went to open a rape case. After much pressure from his family and friends and as a way to leave him, I withdrew the case.

I ran away again and I found a home for abused women in Boksburg, where I stayed for six months. On my return in January 2008, he found out I was back. He came and told me he was a changed man and that he wanted to marry me. He begged me until I fell for it because I still believed I loved him, but I soon saw he had not changed.

Instead, he accused me of sleeping with white men while I was at the place of safety. He saw that my life had indeed changed and that I was now pursuing my dreams. I went on radio to counsel and motivate other women and to train them on abuse. He became jealous that I had found myself, and his new mission was to oppress me.

At the end of February, I told him I was ending the relationship and he said he would rather we both die than end it. I repeated this for a whole week until he saw that I was serious. On March 3 2008, he came to my house drunk and took me out by force, threatening throughout the night to kill us both.

On our return to the house after midnight, I told him to stop coming to my place. He then began to beat me, he grabbed me by my hair and bit off a part of my left ear and tried to bite off another piece, leaving my ear in two pieces. He was also poking my eyes, he pulled my hair and when I broke free, he was holding a clump of my hair in this hand. On top of it all he also stabbed me in the head.

After a mammoth struggle, I was able to run away and 15 minutes later, my house was on fire. I opened a case. I struggled to understand the court proceedings, but the matter is still on.

What I like is that I am still alive to tell other women out there that "get out early while you are still alive and stay beautiful. Don't let your vulnerability and need for love expose you. Know the difference between love and obsession." Finally, I was able to take charge of my life and I am now single, strong and have regained my sense of worth .I am empowering other women out there. I am busy registering a shelter for abused women and children. I am unstoppable now.

This story is part of the I Stories series produced by the Gender Links Opinion and Commentary Service for the Sixteen Days of Activism on Gender Violence.
If you or someone you know is in need of support, try these organisations for help.

I am so proud of you as a woman. Thanks for sharing your story, I have suffered an abusive relationship and it has the most profound effect on an individual and their future. An outsider watching does not understand the humilation that one suffers and the worthlessness one carries inside for so long. It affects the prospect of future relationships and the hope of respect from a relationship. I wish you joy happiness and mostly Love on your journey!

This sounds like a clip out of a horror movie but unfortunately its not. All i can say is that that man is possesed by the devil and only God can save him. I dont know how you did it but all i can say is that God was on your side and he helped you to get out of this and got you through. Hope you go from strength to strength and may you recieve complete healing.

My stance remains the same. Once is one time too many – get out the first time. Of course there is no excuse for the abuse but I can't help but think you were foolish for letting it go on for so long! Why? Love? Is that really love? Can you still love a person after they abuse you the same way you did before?? I will never ever understand why women allow something like this to happen to them 20 times before they see the light. It's not rocket science.

TEES - have you ever loved someone? Ever been married to a man that makes you feel like a million bucks? Ever been with someone that makes your day brighter....and have that same person hit the living daylights out of you? Do you have ANY idea how difficult it is to "walk away" when this man has PROMISED it won't happen again? Do you know what goes through a woman's mind when that happens? You believe with your whole soul & mind, it won'thappen again. When it does, he doesn't even need to say it's your fault, you KNOW it's your fault. Don't judge, you clearly have NO idea what it's like.

I am glad you survived to tell your story, but what really amazes me is why you stayed for that long in the first place. We need to understand that a person will only treat you the way you allow him/her to treat you. There is never an excuse for any sort of abuse. It happens once, you can believe it will happen again. The first time a partner handles you roughly, you need to leave. Your heart will heal over time. Please ladies, we need to learn to look out for ourselves. God created each one of us beautifully, you ned to believe that. God Bless.

Very concerning that the stories of HIV come from black people. Where are the white people coming to talk about the disease, your men go for black prostitutes and you sit and act as if it does not affect you. WAKE UP my white mates. Today not a single story referencing to white people, only David isliving with HIV/AIDS for 25 years and is the only white person living with the disease.

You are truly an amazing woman. I walked out of a 15 year marriage because of abuse.This was 12 years ago, reading your letter brought the tears back.BUT,it does get better, keep going and God bless you.

TEES & Abused2 : I do have a husband that I think the world of and that makes me feel like a million bucks. I truly believe we are soulmates. But if he were EVER to hit me, as heart-wrentching and horrible as it may be. There is NO way I would stick around for him to do it again. I applaud al women who have had the courage to walk away. They (the abusers) never change, haven't almost all stories of abused woman told you that?

Does it reaaly take this long and this much suffering for somebody to make such an easy conclusion? Sister, you should have left that man the second time he abused you after he apologised and promised to change the first time. It's really scary to think of the danger you were exposed to, anything could have happened to you. Good luck with the future.

Gugu, well done. I read the article and kept on thinking...and she goes back...and she goes back! What is wrong with us? I did pretty much the same, but unless you are in a situation you do not realise how extremely difficult it is to get out. I was married for 10 years, luckily only 1 instance of him physically hurting me, but emotionally and psychologically it was for most of the 10years. Unfortunatley it creaps into a realationship, slowly and you dont actually realise what is happening. But once you are out and free you cannot believe what you endured for all that time. Others notice things are not as they should be, but we do not seem to be as aware as they are. It sounds stupid, but I think it is because it slowly takes over what we thought was good! Good Luck with your shelter and I hope to hear more about it.

I know what you have been through. I lived that life as well but the Almighty gave me a strength to get out of the relationship. You are brave and Mighty woman of God. Yes we stay for different reasons but hurting ourself in the end. GOD BLESS U

Tee again. I AM married. To a man who make me feel like two million bucks mind you. And I reciprocate. I come from a long family line of abuse - my father beating my mother, several times - breaking her nose, knocking out her teeth while we watched helpless. My aunts landing in hospital from being abused. So its not like im immune to this. Then they still go back to those men and make more babies!!! WTF. These observations dictate my stance. be assertive and hit the nearest exit should I ever be hit by my husband - not stick around to see what's next. its about self worth and it is about choosing the right partner. You aren't going to accept abuse from a stranger - why should you tolerate it from someone you trust. Like I said, there's too much help from too many avenues for you to continue to be a victim.

Tees - have you ever been abused or emotionally manipulated yourself? You don't need to answer that publicly. But I feel that if you had ever been directly abused by someone you love, you might not be so cavalier. There is a saying "you can't see the forest for the trees" that I think is particularly true in abusive relationships. You are so close to the situation, you are inside it, that you can't see it, though it's plain as day to everyone around you. Unless you have been through it directly, it is difficult to understand, and frustrating to witness for sure. However, whether a woman leaves after 10 years and countless fights, or after the first incident, the courage it takes to make that step cannot be discounted.