Fourteen and fantasising

Face it, they are doing more than just thinking about it. Dorothy Black explains, via a little retrospective.

Article: Dorothy Black

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Paging through an old magazine the other day I came across those photos that were taken of Miley Cyrus for Vanity Fair. I don't know if you remember the pics or the debacle of moral outrage that ensued over bare-backed Miley with a smudge of lipstick, but it was big.

You see, Miley's photos oozed something a purity-ring brandishing teenager isn't supposed to ooze: sexuality.

Apparently, most adults are still under the impression that sex and sexuality are strictly confined to people over the age of 21.

Now, I don't know what your teenage years were like, but mine sure as hell weren't spent in a hormonal vacuum. In fact, much of my puberty was spent crushing on one boy or another and creating wild fantasies about them. And not of the moonshine and roses kind.

One boy in particular taught me a whole lot. Beautiful Tall Tony.

I met Tall Tony at church. I was 14, he was 17. And I swear the only thing that pulled me through those endless sessions of blindingly dull sermonising was thinking about this gorgeous, broad shouldered, dark-eyed boy that would come to sit next to me after the choir had sung.

Fortunately for me, our parents became friends, and between visits of tea and cake, church camps and prayer groups, Tall Tony and I begin our basic training in Seduction 101. We mastered long, lingering stares, coy smiles and slow, intense brushes past each other.

You could've cracked the pew with the sexual tension.

What we were engaging in was the game of flirting – of foreplay really – and it came as naturally as breathing. And why shouldn't it have? Fucking is something the human species has been doing for a very, very long time and technically, we're supposed to be shagging ourselves silly from the moment we hit puberty. Our bodies are wired for it.

The fact that we generally don't is actually contrary to our nature.

So it kinda makes me wonder why people get worked up about apparently seductive images of Miley Cyrus. Is it because she shouldn't be sensual for her age? Or that she shouldn't be having sex at her age?

I'm not sure I understand why people would applaud her hackneyed sense of moral righteousness about her virginity and purity ring and squeal in dismay at a picture that alludes to her as being a sexual being.

I have a suspicion it has to do with the fact that most adults are intimidated by the cocksure sexuality of some teenagers. And if these adults are parents, that kind of denial becomes dangerous.

Pretending sex that only happens on TV isn't going to save our children from pregnancy, wicked men or AIDS. Swaddling sexuality in a blanket of virtuous shame only creates a lifetime of issues.

Maybe its time for us to move out of the Victorian era and stop pretending that youth is a time that's meant to be innocent.

Personally, I only started liking Miley Cyrus when I saw those pics. She was suddenly a really real person instead of that strange Hanna Montana construct she had going for her 24/7. Now I only wonder if the same could happen for the Jonas Brothers...

Agree with Dorothy? Pop your theory about teens, sexuality and fantasy in the comment box below.

- Women24

What a refreshing view coming from a lady nogal. Women have for ages denied their own sexuality, pretending that men and women are supposed to have different views on sex. All they do, as you rightly pointed out, is give themselves hangups and baggage for the rest of their lives.

This is not exactly a simple topic. On the one hand I agree with Dorothy that we still live in a very prudish society that villifies sexual acts and denies the very nature of teens. The situation would be far better for everyone if society took a long hard, honest look at the subject. The truth is that having casual sex as a teenager (or even as an adult) is generally not really a good idea. There is the risk of disease, of pregnancy, and the often underrated emotional fallout that regularly occurs. Yes it is in our nature to want it and to fantasise about it - and there is nothing wrong with that. At some point it even becomes the right decision to have sex. But it does require a certain level of emotional maturity to know when (and with whom) that is. What sets humans apart is our ability (supposedly) to exert self control - to set ourselves reasonable boundaries and to stick to them. If we can teach our kids that, then we should see them being able to make more responsible decisions on what they actually get up to. I am not saying teens should not have sex, and that everyone should wait for marriage, but doing it on a whim with some dodgy "jock" in the school bathrooms is, more often than not, going to end badly...

Very judgemental and condescending, Laura and Martin? So immature and typical of our society to be intolerant of someone else's opinion (I.E. Rob's). It's much harder to live a moral and disciplined life than giving in to every craze. Point is: Dorothy abased her own work by crossing a professional line there, although I think it was intentional. I have no problem with the rest of the content.

Parents need to get their heads out of the sand and realise exactly what you have said here - sex is as natural as breathing, and sexual taboos only worsen insecurities etc that quite possibly could lead to mistakes like unprotected sex, excessive promiscuity or shame.. just an unfulfilled sex life! I love sex, think its essential to my relationship and have no regrets of teen sexual encounters - it is time we stop denying our sexuality and embracing it - the more we talk, the safer we will be and probably the better our sex lives will be too!

Are you going to help raise/ abort / pay for all those unwanted babies we are going to have? What a great idea, lets encourage our kids to start shagging at 14. In your case he was 17, maybe that 50 year old sicko is next with your daugther. You're an idiot and should not be allowed to publish anything. You are clearly not aware of what is happening out there!

Dorothy has a point in that parents have a tendency to sugar coat reality and look at teens with rose tinted glasses. If it were ever possible to get inside a teenagers head; some of the sexual images running through there would floor a thirty year old! That being said parents need to be very cautious or rather exercise discipline in laying out boundaries. Its all well and good being aware of ones sexuality but does the average teenager have the self-control to keep it in check?????

Andy, you're clearly the idiot here. Or at least guilty of selective reading. Nowhere in the article did Dorothy condone or support child molestation. She's not referring to those 50 year old child molesters. All she's saying is that teens will be teens, and they will be sexual beings whether you want them to or not. The problem is that most parents will make sex out to be something dirty and immoral, instead of educating their kids properly, which in itself will help to avoid, or at least cut down on problems such as teen pregnancies. You are the one who is clearly not aware of what is happening out there. There are millions of teenagers having sex with each other. Whether you want them to or not. The best you can do is to teach your kids about sex, and how to be safe, because you're not going to stop them from having sex altogether.

What I think Dorothy means is that parents shouldn't live in denial. I personally am all for virginity until marriage, but I don't judge those that choose differently. It's natural to fantasise and to flirt, and because children are exposed to absolutely everything these days, they start at a younger age. I don't say encourage kids to become sexually active, least of all promiscuous. I say protect them as far as you can and give them information. Tell them why you think the way you think, why it is better to refrain from sex, tell them what the physical and emotional impact is. TALK to them! I think it's because people don't talk to their children, or to one another, that things often go wrong. If people start too young and have lots of sexual partners, they run the risk of not being able to commit themselves to one relationship (I'm not even referring to the health risk, that's obvious) - it's like cellotape losing its grip - emotionally the person can't commit any more. Especially a woman gives of her soul when she engages in sex. Men can distance themselves much easier - that's when the girl becomes a mere object. Anyway, I'm getting carried away here. There is so much to say.

How true this article is. Only, my story begins at the tender (and hormone-driven) age of 15. It seems to me that it is a freak of nature that children's (yes, children because that is really all that teenagers are) bodies are almost at the mercy of their design. Why is it that at such a young age we become aroused enough to follow through to having sex? It is almost unfair the the body leads where the emotions have not actually gone yet...

I have no issue with people been sexual when they are young, what i do have a problem is when 11 and 12 year olds dress up to look like the 18 to 21. I am 26 and been at a club and chatted up a girl and was ready to take her home only to find out she was 14. What the Hell. I have a few friends that have been in the same situation. It is all good and well that they are sexual but be sexual with your own age group

reminds me of when the counsellor came to our school and had a talk about what ten-year olds are thinking... yes and even younger. He used the f-word then for effect, and it that is why Dorothy uses it - to make the parents wake up and smell the roses.

My mother was in denial about my teenage desires and urges. She'd made up her mind that I was only supposed to have sex once I'd finished high school. She did, however, buy a box of pills and put it in my room, just in case, but never ever explained to me how they work etc. I have a pre-teen daughter who is beginning to go through some hormonal changes that positively scare me. I just hope to be able to get her to talk to me about things and I hope to be able to enforce some sort of boundaries until she is more mature emotionally and can deal with the changes in her body - changes who happen earlier and earlier these days in girls and which are not unfortunately accompanied by the same mental maturing. I don't really think that the Miley Cyrus pictures are a great idea even though I see the point that the author is making here. However, as the mother of a girl, I think that overtly sensual pictures of a teenager would send the wrong message to the very teen and pre-teen girls who look up to her and who have enough changes to deal with on their own, without having to add to the pressure.

I agree that society need to understand the fact that we develop certain sexual needs from as young as 14. but if I look at the general trend in the "modern" world today, it seems like we are conforming to anything and everything the human nature WANTS and NEEDS.. I read about this somewhere..

Freedom and responsibilities goes hand in hand and we use it on a daily basis in our children?s upbringing. Your teenager should understand that certain freedom?s comes with certain responsibilities. For instance, if he/she does not have a licence, they cannot drive a car. From your side you should understand that it is very difficult to take a certain freedom away, once given. So what is the real question we should be asking? It is not whether we should allow it but rather what responsibilities are necessary, from you as a parent?s point of view. From my point of view, my teenager can explore sexuality but not have sex until he/she are ready to care for their own child. Too many young lives have been destroyed by young pregnancies. To get your teenager to accept this message is a totally different story.

I really think Dorothy has made a valid point. Whilst i was in my teens from the early 80's, we could buy a Scope, and if we were lucky we could rub the stars off the breast area of the lady. Now adays kids watch mtv, vh1 and the like, and really some of those videos are more jucier than any Scope was. I really think parents of teen agers should wake up. I have 2 boys, 1 a teen and we really speak openly about "hot chicks", never crude, but he and i am sure alot of other boys and young ladies know more than we can imagine!!

Humans are starting to lose it. Becoming more stupid by the day. What is the next "it's all natural" norm? Having group sex in the street? Go and educate yourself, mature and lead by example. Stop watching T.V and do something usefull with your life. The art of keeping your brain busy is more powerful than being lazy and easy.

Disney has a whole lot to do with it...they're a major marketing machine with big ties to the religious right. They have to keep pumping out these fresh faced virgins to keep the advertisers happy. If I told my 6 year old what Miley Cyrus was REALLY up to, she'd have no idea what I was talking about. She's impressed by the uber-teen that the Disney machine promotes. As soon as she hits 14, she'll start calling Miley (or the flavour of the month) a big slut or something worse, because our society will expect her to extend the double standard.

I agree with Dorothy - remember what happened during prohibition in America? Many people made a fortune out of bootlegging and no one stopped drinking. As a child of the 50s we were taught good girls didn't 'do it'. More shotgun marriages happened then than today - coupled with guilt and sexual dysfunction. Teenagers should be guided, not prohibited. Male and female have different expectations of sex, and this is what should be taught to teenagers - the risk of expecting love in return for sex, that contraception is the responsibility of both parties, that having sex should be a mature decision, not because of peer pressure on both girls and boys. One could go on and on. Education, not prohibition, is the answer and yes, they are all beautiful and very sexy at that age. Of course they are - nature intended it that way.

Responsibility is my biggest concern on this article. Not all teens are responsible enough to make the right decision about having sex. After a relationship of two years, my girlfriend and I are discussing having sex for the first time. Sex should be handled responsibly! I've seen many friends destroyed emotionally by having casual sex or just beeing tricked into believing the other person loved them. I'm not even talking about the std/aids risk. By this time if you have unprotected sex without being sure, you must have a problem with your ears and eyes. Parents should be aware of what their kids know, think and feel. Don't kid yourselves, you are only making life hard for yourself and your teen. It also leads to a massive comunication gap between you and your teen, because you can't except everything they are. That includes sexually aware and above normally aware of sex.

Yeah we start experiencing sexual impulses once we reach puberty, but young teens really are children caught in the throes of what it means to be an adult, and those years are a minefield as anyone whose been there knows; they need their parents more than ever, not to shield them, but to guide them through. Having said that, I think sexy images should be left for adults... anything younger borders on pedophilia!

Prevention is better than cure, right. Rather educate your children about having safe sex... condoms, birth control and all. Tell them it might be wonderful to feel that close to your partner (boyfriend/girlfriend), but the result of such fun can have a result that will change your life forever. I started having sex at 17. My parents didn't tell me anything about being safe when it comes to the funky chicken... Hmmm. This might turn into an essay. Point is: it's there, deal with it!