Bedroom bad
Has your girlfriend's shyness put a spoke in the wheel of your erotic yearnings? Here's how to release the sexual dynamo lurking beneath that prim goody-two-shoes persona.
Your woman is so stuck on the missionary position, you're sure you could convert Marilyn Manson. Perhaps she prefers lying on her back because it makes her stomach look flatter. More likely you've landed yourself a shy girl. Not that there's anything wrong with that; you'd take a timid tigress over a yowling yeti any day, especially one in a miniskirt who enjoys rugby and thinks Eminem rocks.
Truth is, the two of you mesh in all the right ways except between the sheets. Oh, she's good in bed all right. So good she could join a convent. A quick perusal
of her Shape magazine and then it's lights out. Fumble on, party animal. If there is
a vixen inside that virtuous exterior, it's hibernating in its lair. Unleashing the hounds with a blast of your hunting bugle will prove futile. It's time to change tactics Mr Lover Lover.
Taking the sexual initiative with a Bashful Brenda is rather like trying to tame a skittish gazelle. Startle her too soon and she'll bolt. Your best approach is to tempt and cajole her. Display the bait then lie low for a while. Let her graze on the lush plains of her own fertile imagination. Let her think she's striding into your erotic hinterland and annexing a piece of the action all for herself.
Allowing her to take the reins in the bedroom could pay rich dividends. You might find yourself on all fours playing bucking stallion to her riding crop but if she's shy, this is unlikely: at least until she gets used to her newfound power.
If you want her to veer off the well-travelled terrain of your ho-hum love life, you'll have to unleash her inner beast. Give her compliments she can chew over. Revere her body in such a way that she begins to revel in her newfound sexuality. Once she gets hip to the virtues of variety she'll starts improvising on her own faster than you can say: “I'll go and get the saddle.”
Timing is everything. Good lighting is essential too. And if you're a little shy yourself, take heart. There are ways of getting your erotic needs met without losing face. You too can take your woman from uptight to up-for-anything if you exercise a little patience and take a few pointers from other women whose men have led them into temptation.
Talk her into a smutty conversation
Nothing breaks the mood like having to check for a heartbeat in the middle of your fine performance. Is she bored? Wondering where her old photo album is? Trying to decide between concrete or parquet flooring in the guest cottage? Is she even awake?
Help her move from silent to salacious by letting out a few moans and groans
of your own. Then open up a conversation. Start small: ask her yes-or-no questions like: “Do you like that?” “Does that feel good?” Tell her how horny she's making you feel but take your verbal cues from her. Don't use four-letter words until she does.
“I'd dated Paul a few times and one night it was pretty obvious we would make love. As we were kissing, he started describing how my body made him feel. He used very specific - and spicy -
language about which parts of my body he wanted to kiss until I felt myself getting very hot and bothered indeed. Suddenly he whispered in my ear: ‘Talk to me. Just tell me how you feel, what you want.' I was nervous that I'd sound silly, but after dating so many guys interested only in their own pleasure, Paul's urgings felt like a breath of fresh air.
I tentatively chimed in with: ‘I love it when you nibble my earlobes and run your hands through my hair.' We took turns saying what we wanted, getting more daring as we went along. Every time I said something naughty, he groaned softly or held me tighter, reinforcing how excited it made him feel. Afterwards he asked me if I'd minded talking to him like that. To be honest, I felt shy at first but it got us both so excited. I've taken to surprising Paul with the odd phone call at work.”
Ronelle, 25, teacher
Sway her on your oral examination
Some men refuse to go pearl fishing saying they dislike oysters. If you really can't bear to dine at the Y, don't eat there. Dutiful cunnilingus reminiscent of a Cape dassie nibbling gingerly at a piece of discarded pickle is worse than no cunnilingus at all. Are you sure you're straight,
Mr Fastidious? Many women are self-conscious about their bodies so enthusiasm is key. Smacking your lips as you yodel down the valley with every sign of enjoyment will endear you more to a woman than diamonds and love ballads. Well, maybe not diamonds, but you get the general idea.
“Gavin isn't particularly well-endowed but he certainly knows how to show a girl a good time. After a romantic dinner, he took me home and began gently kissing my neck and shoulders in a way that made me shiver. He slowly undressed me but left my white cotton knickers on. He nuzzled his way up my legs and inner thighs to the line of my panties then planted firm dry kisses through the cotton onto my sensitive areas. I could feel the fabric getting damp and started squirming with pleasure. Gavin gently peeled off my panties and let his tongue start exploring. When he sucked softly on my clitoris I thought I'd been launched into heaven. Better still, he didn't stop until I begged him to. Afterwards, I couldn't wait to return the favour.”
- Mandy, 28, lawyer
Turn her on to toys
Contrary to popular sex-toy designer belief, rotating rubbery doo-dahs with more attachments than a Swiss army knife do not tickle a woman's fancy. You may as well use that outsized glow-in-the-dark dildo as a lamp stand. If you're not sure what she's into, ask. And if you want to introduce sex toys, do it gradually. Let the items make brief appearances rather than become a major feature. Your best bet is to surprise her with a discreet little vibrator for additional stimulation.
“I had never used a vibrator before, although Tony and I had joked about it. Then one night he pulled a huge purple buzzing thing out from under the pillow. He grinned and turned it on.
Embarrassed, I screeched: ‘make it stop!' Trent held me and apologised. He said he thought I'd like it because I enjoy being touched fast and rhythmically. He also said he felt like a failure because it takes me so long to climax. He asked me why I didn't want to try it. I didn't really have a reason but said I didn't like the colour. A week later he came home with
a quieter, smaller model in white.
I felt touched because I realised he only wanted to make me happy. We tried it that night, and although I felt awkward at first, I let him continue as he kept whispering how he only wanted to make me feel good. He started by just moving it across my thighs, then when we were heading for the home straight, he moved it around in small circles on my love spot. The combination of him inside me with the vibrator buzzing away at the same time was sensational.
I was sold. Tony loves to see me having fun. He says it takes the pressure off him. These days it's usually me who gets it out of the drawer first!”
- Alison, 26, ad exec.
Get her hip to your horn
Some women aren't huge fans of blowing your horn. If you want to convince her to
go downtown, you're going to have to see her off on the slow train. Other women don't mind it all so much, except for the Final Gulp, which just puts them off. The only way you'll find out is by asking. Then act like a gentleman and hold back, okay? Before you introduce her to your assets, go down on her for as long as she wants you to. Your taking the plunge tells her you're a team player who has no intention of leaving her unsatisfied after you've had your kicks.
> Mention how hot she makes you and how incredible it would feel to have her warm, wet mouth around you.
“David went down on me at least three times before I did it to him,” remembers Janine, 29. “His warm wet tongue felt so good that I wanted to give him the same sort of pleasure he was giving me. I was nervous at first. David was very encouraging. He kept groaning ecstatically and telling me how close he was to the edge. I felt slutty at first but when I could see how much pleasure he was getting out of it, I began to get really turned on as well.”
Sell her on 69
Not everyone enjoys giving and receiving pleasure at the same time. Some women find it distracting while others are embarrassed by ‘the view'. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. If she's already engaged in a little recreational sword swallowing and you get the urge to go down on her, simply clasp her around the waist, flex those pecs and swing her into position. Er… don't blame us if you get kneed in the jaw.
“I enjoy oral sex but with 69, I thought my eyes and nose would literally be pressed right into the matters at hand so I was less than enthusiastic when Sean suggested we try it one night. We took a bath together and when we got back into bed, he started kissing my thighs, then positioning us head-to-toe lying on our sides. I hadn't realized we could do it like that. I'd always pictured me on top, with him suffocating between my legs. But it wasn't like that at all. He kept saying how great it was and asking if he should keep going, which was reassuring. I've happily been in that position - post-shower - many times since.”
- Gabi, 33, estate agent
Tie her up
You know the old adage: sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me! Want to spice things up with a little light bondage? Then keep your whips and chains in the dungeon. Don't scare her into anything. Rather let her feel as though she is in control of the situation. Tell her you want to concentrate only on her responses and devise a code word to denote when either of you has had enough. Never betray her trust.
“After two months of dating, Anton casually mentioned that he'd like to tie me to the bed. I was appalled, visualising him dying of a heart attack with me handcuffed to the posts. One night he reached up and held my wrists tightly. I couldn't move and started to struggle, but he begged me to relax and let him pleasure me. He said my unwillingness to try new things made him think I was clinging to my ex-boyfriend's memory. I was touched by his admission.
The next time we were together he simply placed one of my silk scarves on the bed. I liked that because he'd really left it up to me. When I let him tie my wrists together above my head, he made love to me really slowly. Best of all he spoke to me as he touched me, which was a relief. I felt vulnerable being constrained, but now that I trust him completely, we do it with me tied to the bed every now and again just for some variety.”
- Charlotte, 36, retail manager
Rev her engine
If your girlfriend seems satisfied with sex once a month, it's your responsibility to make horniness more of a habit for her. For instant gratification, rent a movie starring an assertive, sexually-charged woman who features in sex scenes to get her own needs met. Kiss her neck from behind or when you put your hand on her knee during a movie, slide it up toward her inner thigh. Touch her sensually at surprising times: hit on her in the kitchen, the living room, the car, the food section at Woolies.
“I was stressed at work and had pretty much lost interest in sex until I came home one evening to a candle-lit dinner with champagne and flowers that my boyfriend James had prepared for me. After dinner he said he had another surprise: an adult movie involving a femme fatale who could get any man she liked. The film was all about the woman's pleasure and I got so turned on after watching it, I literally pinned James down on the sofa there and then.”
- Jackie, 30, designer
Indulge your breast fantasy
Flattery will get you everywhere. Honesty, vulnerability and gifts of expensive lingerie also go a long way towards putting your woman into a more receptive mood for your kinky yearnings.
"Mark, my husband of four years, said he wanted to spark up our sex life so he took me away to a gorgeous little guesthouse on the coast. In our room he gave me a beautifully wrapped present - silk lingerie.
I didn't feel particularly sexy because of all the weight I'd put on but Mark assured me he really liked my fuller breasts. He said he kept having fantasies at work about me wearing a red bra while he gave me what he called a 'pearl necklace'. I was a little shocked but secretly became very aroused hearing him say what he wanted. I put on the outfit after he agreed to dim the lights, and he kept telling me how deliciously ravishing I looked. He pleasured me with his tongue until I couldn't take any more. Then he asked me if he could rub himself between my breasts. The gentle and earnest way he asked and the fact that he'd gone to so much trouble to ensure my happiness clinched the deal. I was a mess at the end of it all but afterwards, I felt even closer to him."
- Donna, 39, pharmacist
- Men's Health