No sex for older folk

Lauren Scholtz fervently hopes not to fall into the statistical trap of marital sex drought.

Article: Lauren Scholtz

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According to Women24's Female Nation Survey, around 7% of married women between 30 and 54 have not had a sexual partner in the last year.

This figure jumps to 20% for married women aged 55 – 59, and 33% for married women aged between 60 and 64.

Scared? It gets worse. These stats apply to married women, not separated or divorced women, but married women living in the same house as their spouses. I've only been married for a year and a half and I find these stats alarming and depressing, yet not surprising.

I'll admit to being "too tired" or "not in the mood" sometimes.

But why does that have to be the first thing that goes?

Too much energy going elsewhere...
Are we just too busy trying to be superwomen, expending our energy in all other areas of our lives, leaving us so emotionally drained and physically tired we simply deny ourselves the pleasure of connecting intimately and physically with our partners?

Or are we feeling less desirable?
Or is it that, over time, we stop taking care of ourselves – by eating poorly and being sedentary – so we feel less sexual in our bodies? Or maybe if our partners start slacking in the romance and "wooing" department, we may feel that they no longer find us attractive.

Lovers morphing into friends...
Another common phenomenon is that married couples focus so much on being good, reliable life partners that the passion just fizzles away. It's very easy to get caught up in the well-oiled, domestic machine that the only things you do together in bed is watch TV, read or sleep.

...and lethargy prevails.
Emotional causes aside, for some women there are physical reasons. Anti-depressants and certain medications can have a major effect on our libidos. But maybe, because we want to be these strong, independent women who can do it all, we sacrifice our health and well-being, ignoring the symptoms and signs. Instead of discussing side-effects with a doctor or seeking professional advice, we are happy to just live with chronic fatigue and non-existent libidos.

But whatever our reasons, I am saddened by the fact that, as women, we can apparently, live so easily without sex. It seems like our automatic response, whenever we feel pressured or tired, is to say no to sex. As if having an orgasm is going to exacerbate our stress levels.

Sex is supposed to be fun and stress-relieving for both parties, so why are we so happy to go without it?

Have you ever fallen into a no sex rut? How did you get out of it? (Or didn't you?) Please share below... we clearly all need the help!

- Women24

I love my husband to bits, but it seems that my libido is much higher than his. I think I grew up thinking that if a man makes love to a woman you know that he loves her, so that is how I measure his love for me. Do you think that it is a silly way to measure love? We make love about once a week, is the quantity too little for a 8 year married couple?

I am married for over 3years and already the sex is dry. I blame it on the stress, fatigue (work and demanding toddler who sleeps with us) but the truth is I have a low libido and other personal issues, so sex is like a chore. I know I have to see a doctor/someone but I have been busy...as for my hubby he used to complain but has stopped, and boy I'm relieved....

After 6yrs and 1 child, I have come to the conclusion there are many reasons. Apart from being busy and tired most of the time, I think the biggest reason is that men stop romancing us, us or just seeing us for who we really are. Not just as mothers, maids and cooks. My dh's idea of foreplay is an elbow in the ribs. And since ALL men think they are amazing lovers, to try and discuss it is impossible - grounds for a divorce. So, husband, maybe if you treat your wife like you used to before you married her, and stop complaining about your lot in life with a cold wife, you will get somewhere. Women have sex with their brains, so if you are not going to try and get into her brain, you are not going anywhere!! Your wife is probably at home/work trying to better your and your family's life, and you are thinking of looking elsewhere. Typical!!

that true Tania work on it some people feel ignored by partners and end up getting it some where. He doesn?t want you to see him as complaining person it important in relationship to try and satisfy each other, don?t ever think that you husband understand that u got a situation and u are doing nothing just fix that sweet.

It's a fact that women take the lions share of the household chores. After working all day, handling the kids, shopping and cooking,etc I am so tired I can't think straight. Some days I am so tired I just want to to sit and cry. Where must I find the desire and energy for sex? Maybe if men starting taking a more active role in the house, wifey dear may be more interested in bed!

I think a large proportion of men dont get the amount of sex they would like and most are considerate enough not to push the issue if the wife is not showing any interest. As for finding it elsewhere I think lots of guys have considered that route but dont want to risk the drama that would occur if the wife found out about it. In my case my wife frequently suggested I go and find a girl friend as her interest in sex was close to zero. I never did because even though I was "encouraged" to find someone else I knew it would be unpleasant if I actually did that. We have been married for 50 years now and I haven't had sex in more than 30 years. Now of course I am pretty well past having it but it would be nice every now and then!

I am a husband in the same boad , I also stopped complaining , I am not looking for it elsewhere but I wont so know should some lady give me the attention. I also work, Look after the kid, Get up at night for the kid, Make food, Do dishes ETc , And my Libido has gone no where !!

We've been married 10 years now and have two boys aged 8 and 5. My husband has always had a higher libido than me and would make love every day if possible. He approaches lovemaking like running a marathon and not a sprint, which can be a blessing and a curse at times. A big plus for him is that he's never criticised how I look, even when I had put on weight, and is always attracted to me. However, he's stopped initiating as it used to get quite disappointing for him when I was too tired or "not in the mood". I've made the decision to meet my husband's needs and we average about three or four times a week, with me initiating without any pressure, which seems to work for us. We've also decided from day one to have a "date night" with each other once a week to make sure we stay connected and get to focus on each other. It's a special time we look forward to, to escape from the kids, and they are so used to it now, they are disappointed if we don't go out. Pellie, I think, measuring your husband's love for you according to the times he makes love to you, is setting yourself up for disappointment and is quite dangerous. What if he develops a sexual problem? Remember that men are more physical creatures than women. I think how he treats you in general is a better indicator (with respect, thoughtful, protective, etc). And the quantity is really what satisfies both of you, regardless of the number. This was quite long, but anyway, I hope it helps someone. Viva L'amour

I have been married for 7 years. in the beginning I used to also complain and nothing was done about it, the usual excuses stress, libido etc. etc. I must say though I was blatantly honest with my wife and told her that if I do not get what I need at home I will get it elsewhere...however harsh this sounds this is the reality of what happens everyday like it or not. and so I did get it elsewhere (she does not know about it). yes I cheated and its wrong I know but this is probably what a lot of husbands/wives are doing right this second or at least thinking about it.

can u really imagine staying with a partner and not getting any intimate with her? on the issue of moods: women tend to have moods as a compulsory prerequisite for intimacy. Can u imagine two grown adults fighting to be intimate becoz of "mood". they sit and discuss mood. it looks very toddlish. and men tend to get it elsewhere, even tho most wont admit to it. how can a man who is well in health stay years without sexual intercourse?

I have been married for 7 months and the sex has already run close to dry.. I remember being with her mid session a few months after we 1st got intimate and her telling me that she had finally "met a man who can keep up with me". What makes it worse for me is the fact that she had a very active sex life before we hooked up, admitted openly that she loves sex etc. We got married and 7 months down the road I'm lucky if I get it once a month! I have spoken to her ad nausium about this and have also told her that the sad reality is that I NEED sex and that if she doesn't find in herself what's wrong (yes - the problem is hers), I will look elsewhere. I never believed in soul mates and all that nonsense until I met her - now I do but will have to physically satisfy myself with another if this persists...

wow, I really have to say something after all these years. I also thought I was a cold women, not enjoying sex etc, till the light bulb came on. Had the best sexual relationship with a single guy (where he got is info and know how from I don't know and didn't ask, just enjoyed. Then I realised there is no such thing as a cold, frigid women, it is the men who don't what to do or how to do it. And the other problem is smoking, that really affects the "look" and performance of the men especially when they get older!!!! I'm really missing my eight inch "suigstokkie"

I am sooooo sick of hearing this, our men don't woo us there is not enough foreplay, Our men are not romantic anymore. Why dont women ever try and woo us be romantic with us? why do women always have an excuse?

It seems clear that men (usually) want sex more then woman but instead of just accepting that, both men and women should try and understand each others respective needs and wants. For the husbands that say the look elsewhere for sex cause their wives are no longer interested maybe they should ask themselves why their wives no longer want sex with them. Sex is far more emotional for women and if their man has stopped connecting with her emotionally chances are she?s stopped wanting him physically!

We were teenage lovers, but seperated and only married 26 years later. We both lost out in this field in our previous marriages. The two of us have been married for 14 years now and we both enjoy it so much I can see us going on forever, at least three times a week. We are both close to 60 now but it doesn't feel that way at all! Why miss out on the best fun in a marriage? Wifey

Pls I am married 6 years and 3 children. If I could have it everyday 3 times. I would be happy. Not to blow my own horn but I have dd boobs and a size 32 pants and pretty good face so I amtold at work. But my husband seem to tired or busy. so I am thinking he is getting it somewher else. so I resolved to if someone I liked offered it I am so starved I will so take it. How is that for new age.

Definitely not one of those woman who have hit a drought in their marital sex life. My husband and I have sex at least once a day, one average twice. We both have high sex drives and this after 4 years.

I have the opposite issue - my libido is much higher than my partner's. He is always "too tired" or not in the mood. Could be because he does a huge amount of other exercise, has a stressful job and loves watching the television. We try to have quality time (i.e. sex) once a week, but even that doesn't always happen! I try to focus on the quality rather than the quantity - because when it does happen, it's absolutely fantastic. But - i would really love just a little more. He's only 32 years old... Where am i headed?!

I've been married 3 years with a toddler. Everything was fine, I had a highter libido than hubby until baby was born and actually til after that as well. Everything seems to have changed the last yr and a half. Think mine is more phisological than anything else. I get up at night, when baby are in hospital I sit with him day and night with dad hardly showing up for visiting times. Even the time that I was in hospital, he didn't show up. Weekends it's drinking and smoking - who wants to get in bed then?? So I've come to sleep with baby in his room most of the times. The times that I do sleep in our room, after much complaining, I feel like that's all that I'm their for as he literally jumps on you. Give me some support as well, attend to my needs and I'm sure it will go back to normal. Just feel why should I give when I'm not getting anything in return...

I'm married for 8 years, he's 33 and me 32. We have a 3 yr old that sleeps with us, the decline happened before the baby. From every night to lucky if it's 2 times in 2 weeks! When we do it, its a quickie - he's done in 3 mins and i'm in a state of nowehereland. The foreplay is minimal - sometimes no kisses, etc. I want to have a better sex life but don't feel like initiating bec it will be a 3 min event...

I have been married now (second time around) for 11 years and my wife and I have also gone through those patches where I beg for it all the time and she says NO. The marriage was really on the rocks last year, but things have turned around brilliantly and we are as happy today as we were 11 years ago. The sex is great and takes place (almost :) enough to satisfy my urges. We have both put on too much weight but still find each other sexually attrractive. The secret - stop arguing continuously about small things that don't matter, enjoy time spent with each other, flirt with each other again, send sexy sms's telling each other what you are going to do to them in bed tonight (and follow through). Wives - relax a bit, get your husband to share some of the chores (he should be doing that anyway), pamper yourself a bit and make yourself proud to be you, and accept the fact that husbands are highly sexual beings. Stop the complaining about how hard life is for working moms etc. etc. We can all find an excuse to be miserable if we look for one. Husbands - stop focusing on the sex you aren't getting, help your wives with chores, the children etc, flirt with her again - she will loosen up and you will get all the sex you need. (Don't get it elsewhere ! Even if your wife doesn't find out, if you are half a decent human being, you will be so full of guilt that you will be even more miserable than you were before). Choose to find happiness and go for it.

I'm in a relationship where I have a very high libido and my man has just about a zero libido. I can so relate to Tania with the thoughts that if a man makes love, he must love the woman. It's not like that for my man. I know he loves me. But sex for him is just something physical and is not an expression of his love for me. He doesn't know the meaning of the phrase 'making love'. But I am coming to understand where he is coming from with his background where sex was used to get what he wanted and nothing more. He can't seem to reconcile sex and love. Jeez, I thought it was girls that were supposed to have the problems. LOL. It's getting to the point where it's serious now and he barely even acknowledges there's a problem. I don't think I could go through the rest of my life with next to no sex.

I do not believe we get into a rut as much as what sex with the same partner with all the emotional and family issues kills ones sex drive.....sex and marriage just DO NOT to hand in hand forever. We need to learn to have an affair with our spouses - away from the home and kids to enjoy a fulfilling fun sex life - it has worked for me!

Life is busy and leaves us all drained. My husband and I have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage, and don't need sex to be intimate. We haven't had any for a few months, but we have talked about it (and decided that it is possibly due to me becoming ill and his diabetes leaving him totally exhausted), and agreed that it isn't a big deal, and we'll get back on the horse when needed. People remark on what a great couple we are, and we are still hold hands and make a lot of physical contact, and I don't think I have ever had as much fun or laughter with anyone else, but this isn't just a marriage morphed into best friends (we explored that possibility too), our relationship is so much more, and I can't imagine ever spending my life with anyone else. How can anyone be so happy without sex? In my twenties I wouldn't have believed it. I think that if sex is what you need to be close, then maybe there are bigger issues in your marriage that need to be dealt with. And if you can't talk about it, there is an even bigger problem.

Been dating my man for 3 years and i just never feel like having sex with him anymore. He used to turn me on just by looking at him back then but now i can hardly bring myself to kiss him! So many issues have been going on between us and even though they seem to be sorted out, i still can't have him trying to be intimate with me. I come up with all these excuses not to have sex, like i'm busy watching my favorite tv program, or im feeling sick, tired, going out with friends or whatever. I do however imagine making love to other guys that are interested in me. It's like i wouldn't think twice if i was in a room alone with this other guy that's a friend and colleague of mine who just loves me to bits.

I agreed with an ex wife of 30 years to have sex whenever she initiated it so that she would not be confronted with having to deal with the pressure of my advances when she was not up to it. Consequently, I only had sex once in about 5 years and that was because I initiated it. I have a new remarkable partner who's previous husband strayed for years and she was also caught up in a sexless marriage. Because this remarkable partner not only initiates, but enjoys our engagements and participates actively and imaginitively with passion and patience, we have been intimate on more than 60 occasions in the last month. I am on the right side of 60 and she on the wrong side of 50. Husbands do not have any valid excuses to neglect an intimate relationship and neither do wives. It is that simple. Make no excuses and do not neglect this. I have yet to discover what I will not do for this wonderful woman. Nothing is too much trouble and I dont think it ever will be. Every good husband should have one of these. And I mean good as in deserving.

I think sex within a relationship ( not casual sex) is a reflection on the rest of the relationship. I all is well in the relationship , both feel loved an appreciated there will be no problems. That is excluding real physical problems Unfortunately some people use sex as a weapon to get what they want or to punishe their partner .. and intimacy is lost

Ladies - take it from a guy who has been around the block (lotsa times) - don't think if your husband stops "asking" (as the one lady said) his libido has changed, does not happen - he is being "helped" elsewhere that I can guarantee you. Also I think it's unfair of ladies that like lots of sex (to catch you ?) in the early days of a relationship and then for it to drop off when you have been together a while - let me tell you again, from long personal experience and observing many other married guys - keep up the "action", learn to like it (because you can and probably will enjoy it if you try hard enough), because if you DON'T you will sit with the consquences. Guaranteed, absolutely guaranteed. Its been the same for 2000 years, don't think your man is "different."

Duh !! Another problem - "Older folk" ?? Your Lauren only looks 23 herself - one only really knows anything real about sex in your late 30's or early 40's - I doubt yr 23 yr old is qualified to write about sex matter for "older folk". Come on, stop using "puppies" to write articles for about "older folk". Get a woman in her 40's that knows what's going about sex to write these kind of articles.

I have been married for 3 years now, and if you enjoy sex as much as I do, I would suggest stay single. It is about the work stress, tired, I go out of my mind with this. I love having sex and have brought up this conversation several times. I think sex is a wonderful way of expressing oneself. Really I am about to go nuts and surely do not want to have an affair though the thought has crossed my mind I think a few times too many.

8 years and 2 kids in, and I feel our love life gets better each year. The older we get and longer we are together, the better we have got to know ourselves individually, and the more comfortable we are with out own bodies, strethc marks and all. At 32 I firmly believe I am a better lover than I was at 22, because I approach it from a perspetive of MUTUAL pleasure and not chalking up a notch or trying to prove anything. We have introduced an element of fun into our love-making, experimenting with toys, porn and just with each other's bodies. We know wach other well enough and are secure enough in our trust for each other that we can laugh a lot, have a lot of fun and yet at the same time, set boundaries without feeling pressured or ill at ease. Also a note - I have always believed that if you give it to him at home, he is less ikely to go looking for it elsewhere, so I attempt to keep up with his libido, even when I'm tempted to roll over and catch an hour of sleep before the baby wakes up. 99% of the time I end up having a blast.

I've been married for almost 8 years and I have to say, our sex life has dried up in the last six years. We have sex maybe twice a month - if we both have the energy. I also found that my libido is almost non-exsitant thanks to birth control. In a way our friendship has replaced our need to be sexual partners.

Its funny that this article should appear now. My husband and I battled with this issue in early July. I was really busy at work on a project and was working almost 13 hours a day. I still had to get home and make sure that things were taken care of for my 2 kids. We cant afford a maid so my life was fully of responsibilities. My hubby said to me, dont change in front of me. It makes me want you all the more and you are always too tired to do anything. It made me think long and hard about my life. I spoke to a male friend who shared his experiences in his failed marriage due to a lack of sex and other reasons. Bottom line ladies, Men want to feel that they can still please us and that we still desire them. I certaininly dont want my hubby looking elsewhere but I have not been giving him what he needs not to look elsewhere. Now, even if I am not in the mood I go with the flow and let him do the work ;) but it does help in the end. Now I have a happy husband and a stress release tool ;) Good luck. Oh, we have been married for 7 years now.

I used to be married to a man who had a lower labido than what i did, we eventually got divorced. Truly, i don't think i would want to get married again - the instution of marriage is set up for failure. I am involved in a full time relationship now (not live-in) and i am very happy. I am treated like the independant women I am, and still wooed - even after 4 years . Men definately have more respect for an independant women than they do for a wife that is reliant on them.

I also love my wife to bits and sex is non existent and I am already accepting that maybe we are mismatched. And with also almost eight years of marriage I feel that getting out is better for both of us. How about we get together and natch our partners togehter - hopefully will all be happy?

Tania, I think warning bells should be ringing for you and your husband. Sex is a basic human need for healthy people, though intensity and frequency vary. If you have lost interest and your husband has stopped asking, and you still love each other, then I think its something the two of you should sort out, or see a counsellor. Regarding very different libido levels ideally I think this is something couples should discuss before they marry! Unfortunately in the courting stage you both have a mad passion for each other, and its only some time after marriage with all its stresses and many other competing demands that it tapers off and you find out any differences.

Marriages are characterized by great sex,ok sex, so-so sex & no sex. The trick to staying together is to get over the no sex part very quickly. Sex is an affirmation of your intimacy, a part that only involves the two of you. Don't bringa 3rd person into your marriage & the quickest way to destroy your sex life is to bring your daily problems into your bed. Sex in marriage makes you feel loved needed desired- all those good things. You do whatever it takes to keep your man in YOUR bed or you might as well call it quits. There is stuff out there that can help & people who can help.Use them!

Well I have a lot to say about this subject. I have been married for +/- 11 years (have 1 kid/ work full time/ have no maid etc) and have just turned 40. I am female and love sex. I actually do not get enough from my 39 year old husband. When we got married, we spend a lot of time on this and I showed him what I like and how to do what I enjoy. You cannot expect someone to know how to please you if you don't even know. There is no better way to communicate and to be together than to experience the closeness between 2 people. Shoot me, but I think you should take responsibility for your relationship and your own future and not wait for your partner.

i have been married for 8 years with 2 kids, my husband doesn't spend time with me at all, he is always with his friends and this has made me to loose interest in him, i don't feel like sleeping with him anymore and i am definetely not attracted to him, i feel like he doesn't love me, i even told him to go get it somewhere else

It comes down to 'boredom' Having sex with the same partner over and over again, even trying out all the postions and scenarios/role playing etc does still get boring. Other things take over I find withing the rship but with the best will in the world sleeping with the same person for months and years just makes sex dull. Emma

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No sex for older folk

Lauren Scholtz fervently hopes not to fall into the statistical trap of marital sex drought.

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