The waiting game
Is withholding sex from someone to keep them interested worthwhile? Dorothy Black is doubtful.
A long, long time ago, in a far away place, sex and dating was simple. There was an order to things. Boy would meet girl and they’d like each other. Boy would ask girl out.
If all went well they were automatically deemed exclusive. On the second date they would hold hands, on the third they'd kiss, and only by the tenth date they would sleep together. By the twentieth they'd be engaged.
The end.
Here and now in the city, however, things are a little different. Boy and girl might kiss on the first date, sleep together on the second, hold hands by the eighth and will maybe consider being exclusive only after the twentieth successful full day spent together. They probably won't come anywhere close to talking about marriage.
My grandmother tells me this commitment-phobic behaviour is the result of loose morals and sex before marriage.
It's a quaint idea. Right up there with doilies and pocket watches. But as much as it puts a whimsical smile on my face, my most recent relationship had me questioning whether there might not be some nugget of truth to the matter.
I met The Scientist through Lady Lou. It was like at first sight. He called, we went out, it was lovely. But three weeks later, it all came to an unceremonious and utterly unpleasant sms termination of all communication.
You see, it turns out we had very different ideas as to how to play nice with each other. And although the sudden demise of our short affair seemed like a logical conclusion, I couldn't help wondering if it would have lasted longer if I'd held out on putting out.
A case in point: A thirty-something guy I know, let's call him Bob, is dating a 27-year-old chaste girl.
In the five months that they've been together, he's barely made it to second base. He spends time with the folks (she still lives with her parents), is polite, considerate and understanding of her needs as a woman. She wants to get to know him better, you see, before she takes the big leap to a physical relationship.
It's a completely dysfunctional relationship in my opinion, but the fact remains that while she's holding out, Bob's holding on.
It made me wonder.
If I'd not slept with The Scientist on the second date would we still be trying to figure out the rules of engagement? Would we have come to understand each other's game plan better and made something more than a few shags of it?
Has the dating game become the waiting game again?
Try as I might I just can't buy into that. While some people like to believe that sex is the final frontier of a personal journey to intimacy, I like to think that its much like talking – a form of communication that's natural, necessary and non-negotiable on the road to a real understanding of the person we're involved with.
Although it might make us emotionally vulnerable, sex is only one aspect of what makes partners out of play things.
It shouldn't have to be the pay-off for taking the time to get to know someone better.
Despite any musings about morals and waiting after my short and bittersweet liaison with The Scientist, it's unlikely that I'll be changing my sex strategy any time soon.
I figure if you have to withhold sex from someone to keep them interested they're probably not worth the effort in the long run anyway.
Do you think waiting is worthwhile? Share your thoughts in the box below.
- Women24