Single in the city

What's wrong with having a deep and meaningful ménage à trois for one? Dorothy Black thinks relationships are overrated.

Article: Dorothy Black

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I spent last week Thursday with an amazing group of women. We were fabulous, beautiful, successful, vibrant women of the world, sipping kirs and chatting about our work, our travels, our lives...

It would've been a delightful evening out had it not been for the fact that we were actually supposed to be fully engaged in an evening of speed dating.

You see, I was one of 12 women sitting at a table waiting to be 'interviewed' by the four men that had actually bothered pitching up.

Talk about a dud evening.

Not that I was there to actually find my life partner. I was totally there for journalistic purposes of course. But I couldn't help thinking that if this was a turn-off on the road to happily ever after, I'd be sitting without gas and a flat on a road eerily akin to the N1 through the Karoo – a long, dry spell of tumbleweed personalities and limp-dick mirages.

Admittedly, our line-up of gentlemen for the evening was pretty thin – two very young boys, a German and a man so deep in the closet he was practically in Narnia.

But I guess that's pretty representative of South Africa’s available men.

Nevertheless, the women gathered were generally optimistic. The boys were 'sweet', the German was 'intense' and the gay man 'sensitive'.

It became clear that even these women of world had only one destination in mind: Couple Town or bust (homosexuality a minor bump to be ignored in lieu of good looks).

It got me wondering what all the rush is and why we employ almost any desperately-seeking-something tactical manoeuvre to evade singledom with a kind of 'lock n load' approach of war time military evasion – speed dating, online dating, meet and greets, singles parties, gumtree classifieds, astro dating, blind dating and dating agencies – god damn any thing to just get the hell out of dodge.

But what is about this final destination (marriage? kids? divorce?) that makes it so much better than being single?

What's wrong with having a deep and meaningful ménage à trois with me, myself and I?

Maybe this near pathological abhorrence of singledom is better explained in a little scenario I was privy to at a friend's recent wedding – an outdoor summer festivity of bliss that I had bravely decided to attend minus my plus one.

The ceremony had started and all was humming along just perfectly until the non-denominational pastor lady person came to this part in her speech.

'Be thankful that you have found each other, that you are now a Couple,’ she beamed beatifically at the happy twosome. And then added: ‘Pity the single person because they are alone in the world, without support or comfort…’

I lost track after that statement ... something about 'I do' and 'you may kiss the bride'. I had never experienced singledom vilified to such a degree of pathetic.

Until, that is, I went to speed dating.

Although the German bored me to hysterical fits of laughter, he was at least honest about why he was at the speed-dating event and provided a little insight into the mentality of the average 'bloke' women often like to dolly up as The One they pick up on the way to Couple Town.

'Well,' he said earnestly, 'my friends are having children now. They'll get divorced in the next five or so years, but I can't wait until then for them to have free time to go out on a jol, you know.'

Now that's a keeper. And he'll probably get hitched before I do.

Anyway.

We've been rescheduled to attend another speed dating event as a refund (that's just my fave, it's like getting a voucher to the same restaurant that served you a tapeworm in your eisbein) and I'll go with my mates again, for a laugh and some more kir.

But mark my words, I'm going along for the ride.

While everyone is whining 'are we there yet?' and making speedy headway to Couple Town, ignoring those annoying little bumps of sexual confusion and zero personality, I'll be cruising along in serene singledom, enjoying the scenery.

Is Dorothy missing anything? What is being in a relationship like, and do you secretly miss singledom? Share your thoughts in the box below.

- Women24

What a crazy thing for the non-denominational pastor lady to say! PITY the single person??? I think being single, whether it's temporary or permanent, is the best time to enjoy your own company, get up to all sorts of nonsense without having to worry about what partner will think, and enjoy all the other benefits to being single. Being part of a good couple is also great - with all the benefits that come with that, but to pity either side is just ridiculous! Harumph.

Two young guys a german and a gay are representative of SA's available men? Which planet do you live on. I know plenty of real MEN here in JHB who could prove you wrong... Perhaps you need to do a bit more "growing up" to fully appreciate what a real man has to offer?

Singeldom rocks! Marriage and steady relationships enforce too many boudaries - boudaries on your career, on your personal preferences, on your time and on relaxationional activities. You always have to consider your partner in any decision. If I had the choice again, I will not get married nor have a steady relationship. If the other person can't just relax and enjoy the journey, find another person.

You will probably be single because you're damn ugly. Go and watch some more Sarah Jessica Parker shows and keep going down that road. If you go the speed dating route you are also probably VERY insecure. I don't bother, women come to me.

Hiya D... you aren't missing anything sister, you keep up the speed and rock your little casbah to heaven and back... singleton town is the only place to be!!! This married malarkey is a waste of time... unless you are in it for the money of course!!

There's nothing wrong with being single. I was single for 29 years before meeting my wife and I quite enjoyed those 29 years. But I'm also really enjoying married life. The trick (?) is to be happy where you are. Too many people waste their single lives longing for that someone special... and then spend their married lives fondly remembering the "carefree" single days. And w.r.t to meeting someone... ditch the speed dating! If you enjoy running... join a running club. If you go to church... get involved in church activities (instead of just warming the seat for an hour every Sunday). If you like to cook... join a cooking class. Even if you don't meet The One, you'll end up making friends and doing something you like.

See here's the crux of the problem with all of heterosexual relationships. You'll never find a decent bloke at a speed-dating setup because decent blokes find that sort of thing laughable. But hell, since an actual decent bloke will only qualify as a wimp or wet blanket in your esteemed opinion, I reckon you'll be going the scenic route for a while yet. Here's hoping you can stick to only 32 cats when you hit 60!

Wowzers, controversial. Im a single 33 yo lad in Cape Town, and I tell you something if I listened to everyone as to where NOT to meet some nice ladies I would be at home... Dont go to clubs, dont do speed dating etc etc. If I were tempted to get rid of my single status then where is the best place. I have been in the 6 to 1 ratio city for 8 months and have hardly come across a girl I would consider dating. Please dont get me wrong and start a %$@# slinging fest as I said that. I know CT has lovely lasses I just need to understand where to meet them. I go out, run, gym, cycle etc etc so am not a hobbit.... yet my bed is still empty and winter is on the way. Interesting article all the same, maybe Ill try the speed dating at add to the menagerie of german, gay, lad.....and me!!!

Well, I've said it a thousand times to similar sentiments by many a brave burn the bra type, they make you look like a silly little girl, but when that clock starts ticking, you will change your tune...

I must say I feel very sorry for you - as they say I do beliefe though protest to much - meaning that when someone keeps going out of their way to tell everyone they are soooo happy being single the truth usually is that they are dying to get hooked up but to proud to admit it. Anyway, I hope you find someone special so you to can undrestand the deeper relationship, friendship and love that can only come from a being with that one special person. I have been married 15 years (have 2 great kids) and my hubby and I still hold hands, go on dates and love spending time together. No all marraiges end in divorce, some people realise that everything worth having is worth working for and that every obstacle you overcome together can bring you closer and form an even deeper bond. Good luck.

Aha, Dorothy Black again....shame, what comes through is her desperation...the lady complains way too much. Well, Dorothy, firstly I suggest you start honouring and valuing your own body, then, just maybe then a real man may show interest. Contrary to popular believe, most real men does not like sharing their woman with every Dirk, Sipho and Andy...They kind of like to have exclusivity in that department. Is kind of scary nowadays not to...

I so agree with you Tubby - why do readers do that? Read the content properly, and comment on the CONTENT and not the person who wrote it. If you really feel the need to comment make it VALID!!!Jislaaik!

"Miss" Black , its probably your tone towards speed dating & men in general who might venture along which is probably a good enough reason we good ones steer clear of these events . Rather go to an art gallary where you may judge and be judgement to your single hearts desire ............

Years ago, before I got married, I enjoyed single life. I did not want a steady relationship, I knew a single lady, a bit older than me who had the same outlook. I became her fuckbuddy, whenever she felt like sex, she phoned or came over & got it from me. Single ladies, get yourself a fuckbuddy, I am, unfortunatly, unavailable, due to present circumstances.

After living 3 years in CT my theory is: 50% of the men are in Pollsmoor (our local prison), 49% are gay & the remaining1% are taken....which may just be an excuse to justify why I prefer to just stay single - because let's face it, women of a certain age are forever being called on to 'explain' why they're alone...sadly enough.

Singledom is fun. I liked it. But if you enter the gates of Couple Town with a pure heart, it has a magic that cannot be compared with and deep down everyone knows about this magic. That is why some rush to it. Unfortunately a lot of people are so rushed that they forget to purify their hearts. This causes great destruction. I liked being single but I LOVE waking up next to my husband every morning.

Just look at all the men responding to this article - I find that sooooo interesting!!! My opinion is that couples should not feel sorry for the singles out there - most of the time its by choice - why be with someone just to say your in a couple - I would rather be happy alone than unhappy with someone!!! To all you single women out there - dont settle for Captain Hook if you can get Peter Pan!!!! To all the singles out there - this situation we find ourselves in - well its an ADVENTURE!!! The possibility is always there that your whole life can change in just a day - meeting the ONE!!! Happy hunting!!!

happily married, for many years, and having as much if not more fun than when I was single. If you marry the right person, the ups are really good and the downs are something you get through. It's a personal choice to marry or not, but some like danger boy do it for the wrong reasons, hence displeasure with their pathetic life...and single after 40 gets pretty scary, me thinks.

Keeping things simple is my motto. Unfortunately relationships are way too complicated. Singledom is my conscientious choice. I totally agree with you Dorothy. And for you insecure men (ie.Anonymous and Scott).. I would rather be single than have to put up with your insecurities and issues.

Google Dorothy Black. The results set the tone for a totally different approach in my response. No wonder you think relationships are overrated, but seriously, it takes two to tango and that makes all the difference. Just keep your dancing shoes on. Good luck!

Wow! Very refreshing! Cape Town is the absolute worst place to meet men! I have lived here most of my life, am 32 years old and single. I love my life, can do whatever I want, whenever I want, but yes, I would love the companionship and sex of course! The problem with men is, as much as they won't admit it, they and looking for Mrs. Perfect. She doesn't exist guys, just like Mr. Perfect is a fairy tale. So wake up, look around - there are amazing women in Cape Town! I am one of them.. ;) even if I must say so myself (you learn to compliment yourself when you are single!).. x

There isnt anything wrong with being single, i am 3 months preggies and my husdband of 6 years wants a divorce, singledom might just be the answer or not,,,,who's to say just enjoy life and do things that you want to do and dont let your partner dictate your lifestyle,

No matter what path in life you travel there will always come a time when you need to share it with another person. As humans we thrive on connecting with each other and as much as there are times when solitude is needed we invariably tend to gravitate towards each other in the end. It is this need for connection and sharing that makes us HUMAN. We all want a partner, deny it if you will. I have today been married for 14 years and there is one thing that I cannot deny, I may have read or seen it somwhere before but it always rings true: happines can only real if it is shared!

It's a funny thing - so often, my single friends want to be married and my married friends want to be single. Seems women pull out all the stops to meet a man to marry, and then once they're married, they find it isn't all it's cracked up to be and next thing they're miserable, want to leave, want a divorce. And after a year or so of being single again, guess what? They start looking out for another man to make their dreams come true. Perhaps women need to realize that another person can't make your life complete and you need to create your own lives and your own happiness. Like singledom, marriage is a mixed bag but it isn't the answer for everyone. And please everyone, stop this rubbish about the plethora of wonderful single women and no eligible decent men. There is no shortage of men in the world - it's a myth. Check the world population figures if you don't believe me.

Being single now is awsome . . . Just to be able to find yourself , get to know youself and remember who you are .... When the time is right you will meet the one , next one , next one next one , or maybe not. Just dont spend your entire life searching. Before you know it time is up . enjoy life...........

Indeed, I am also pitied by my family and others for my single status. What people don't seem to understand is that every situation has its pros and cons. I have wonderful friends that I can see whenever I want, time to myself, I study, I make music, I go to the movies and parties and concerts whenever I feel like it and without having to negotiate. While I feel that I am finally getting ready to settle down (read: have a baby) at 35, I would not for the world exchange my current contentment for a relationship that is just there for the sake of it. The couples I know that are really happy are a minority. I get joy from friends' happy relationships, but I also see a lot of unhappiness and betrayal. I think being in a committed relationship would be a different life for me, one that I am not averse to at all. But until I meet someone that I feel I can live that life with successfully, I will remain happily single. And can people please stop treating me like there's somehow one half of me missing!

I'm recently divorced, and certainly in no rush to place my trust in the hands of another woman, but I really don't think that the desire to pair off should be regarded as pathological. We're all descended from a long line of couples and we are social primates. I'm single, but I don't intend to remain so longer than is required to acquire some perspective and find my bearings. Women are flipping fantastic, and I sincerely miss having one around. I do feel that deciding that you're ready to get married and grabbing the first girl who says yes [did I mention that I was divorced?) is not the best plan, but it's also unwise to wait until the perfect, no-maintenance, no-conflict, Platonic ideal of womanhood/manhood descends from the heavens. But you're right: this is supposed to be fun. It's a ramble, not a sprint.