The bed wars
Has your bed become a battleground because he snores and hogs the duvet? Here's how to call a (restful) truce.
There's many a shell-shocked zombie walking around with dark rings under her eyes and knocking into the water cooler, who'll be quick to point out that there's nothing mysterious about the cause of her debilitating insomnia. It's all too obvious. It's him. That way he has of hogging the pillows, his roof-lifting snoring, his habit of snaffling the entire duvet as if it's his cocoon.
Give her a few weeks of sleeplessness, factor in the resultant diminished concentration, the increased release of stress hormones, the impaired reactions... Then add increased work pressure. And the result? At the very least, it's a guaranteed bed war.
There are no supportive studies, but a large bank of anecdotal evidence suggests that a greater number of women are on the receiving end of their partner's bad bed habits than are men. This may be because men are regarded as being more prone to snoring, or, as Johannesburg psychologist Dr Janne Dannerup posits, because women are socialised to be more compliant and, even in sleep, are generally trained to not be "inconvenient".
In any event, Dannerup says that sleep incompatibility is not only quite common, but it also has an underlying symbolism. "As the bedroom is the area in which you are at your most open and defenceless, it is also the area where you're most likely to fight for your needs and wants, and defend yourself against any perceived or real encroachment on your personal boundaries," she says.
For love or medicine
Interestingly, she maintains that what happens in the bedroom "is like a microcosm of the general relationship dynamic", which means that bed wars may be about far more than just compromised sleep or sleep envy.
Complicated though it sounds, experts agree that the problem has a very simple root: just because you're in love with someone and you're compatible enough to become partners doesn't automatically make you compatible bedfellows. We all have different sleeping styles. As Johannesburg sexologist Dr Elna McIntosh points out: "All couples are unique."
Heidi Romain, lecturer at the School of Physiology and co-ordinator of the Wits Dial.a.Bed Sleep Laboratory, says we need to "define the term 'compatible sleeping partners', because if your bed partner's snoring is what's making it a struggle to sleep next to him, then it's a medical problem indicating a possible sleep disorder, which is irritating but can be treated. It doesn't necessarily mean you are incompatible co-sleepers."
Romain explains: "There is always an adjustment period before one gets accustomed to sleeping in a novel environment, but this usually lasts a week or so. It depends on the individual. Some people tend to adjust quicker than others."
The reason those midnight rows take on monumental proportions is because "when an unnatural arousal from sleep occurs, especially from deep sleep, we are not fully alert or acutely aware of what is going on around us," says Romain. No wonder we might overreact.
Black eyes, broken hearts
Lindy* reckons it's been "two or three years" since she had a proper night's kip. Her partner is a very restless sleeper, but nevertheless a very deep one. "I knew he was restless in bed, but it's become truly terrible, and sometimes I can't wake him up to get him to snap out of it," she says. "He'll fling his arms around suddenly. He'll kick me — hard. I've even had a black eye from it. No-one believed me and I was treated like an abused woman for two weeks."
What makes it worse is that the constantly interrupted sleep is starting to affect Lindy's performance at work, and she's blaming him for having been passed over for a promotion she really wanted. "I'm coming to the conclusion that he's got issues with me, that deep down he wants to hurt me and that he doesn't really want me around," she says.
This particular sleep issue goes a bit deeper than simple sleep incompatibility. It could be a full-blown sleep disorder, which should be treated. Romain says that "any sleep disorder which impairs your daytime functioning and is disruptive to others should be remedied".
And she insists that Lindy's analysis is wrong. "Your partner is not angry with you and has no conscious control over his actions". Indeed, she strongly suggests that this couple get professional help, because conditions such as these are as treatable as they are infuriating.
A snoring partner can also make you see red in bed. In these cases, Romain and McIntosh suggest earplugs, or consulting a doctor. "Snorers generally are not aware of the fact that they snore, or feel embarrassed to admit it," Romain admits. And scarily, McIntosh attests that unchecked, ongoing snoring is a common cause for divorce.
Your bed, my bed
As yet, there seem to be no sleeping programmes for couples who find themselves in soporific skirmishes. But all experts agree that opting to sleep in separate beds need not be seen as the relationship death-knell most people think. "If your bed partner disrupts your sleep to the extent that it affects your daytime functioning," says Romain, "there's nothing wrong with opting to sleep elsewhere."
Refreshingly, Dannerup doesn't think this issue needs to be viewed as "a problem". Rather, she says, incompatible bed behaviour should be seen as a means of uncovering implicit messages about what the partners need to say to each other or accept about each other.
It may also be that the irritating bed hog is actually struggling to deal with other issues in his life, like problems at work, a health scare, or even insecurities in your relationship.
But the fact remains that a relationship may be seriously affected by a cycle of bed battles, unless both partners make an effort to accept and respect each other's behaviour.
All blame, no gain
The bottom line, according to Dannerup, is to resist the impulse towards unconstructive blame, because of the gulf this may create between you. "It is up to you to choose to act in a way that is positive and healthy," she maintains. "This means searching for solutions that can help your relationship, rather than destroy it."
According to her, what helps is "to accept that your loved one is going through things that may need to be acted out in the safety of the bedroom. Accepting your partner may mean that you agree to sleep in separate beds, or with a 'white noise' CD playing continuously in the background to drown out snoring, or even resorting to separate bedrooms — preferably not too far from each other."
Your partner has every right to be who he is and you have every right to feel frustrated and annoyed by it. Once this is accepted, it is relatively easy to find solutions to suit you both.
Not articulating your needs and feelings is a sure-fire way of creating more underlying issues that are bound to surface in what should be your safe sleep zone, and keeping quiet and failing to discuss nocturnal infringements in the clear light of day builds a resentment spiral that is hard to end. Don't just daydream about that good night's sleep; make it a reality.
- SHAPE