Gossip is ruining my friend

Unfair office gossip ruining your reputation? A reader writes in for advice for her friend.

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Dear Women24

I am in a bit of a quandary at the moment. Some of my colleagues are accusing another of having an affair with a male colleague (both are married) and they are not afraid of saying this out loud to anyone who is willing to listen (except of course the colleague they are talking about!)

I have asked them if they have any proof and their response is that it is obvious.

In my mind, the two are just friends. I know most people think that a male and female cannot “just be friends” and I disagree. I am friendly with the colleague that everyone is talking about. I would not want anything to happen that would hurt or upset her, or the male colleague for that matter.

I feel I need to tell her what people are saying, but I also do not want to cause an upset in the office.

What would you do?

Kind Regards

B

Dear B,

First, we just have to say, you sound like a very cool person. Yay for you for not getting involved in harmful gossip!

Second, we totally agree with you – of course men and women can be friends! We know our lives would definitely be much duller if it weren’t for the many, lovely men we have as friends.

Regarding your problem, I’d suggest speaking to the gossipers directly. If you tell your friend about it, she’ll just feel awkward and hurt.
So why punish the innocent?

Tell them (or write it an anonymous letter, if you’re worried about the backlash) that it is unprofessional and deeply unfair to spread unfounded and potentially damaging stories about someone. And if they don’t discontinue the behaviour you will have to report them.

That’s what we think, but, hey, let’s ask our readers! They give great advice.

Okay guys? Help us out. What do you think B should do?

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Phillipa 10/26/2009 10:04:48 AM

I would sit down your 2 friends that everyone is talking about and tell them so maybe they can act differently in the office till this cools down - or go to the main boss who can sit down all the work collegues and tell them that these two are not having an affair - we had a similar problem in our office and our MD sat veryone down and told them what was actually going on and it stopped the rumour mill!

Chris 10/27/2009 6:36:00 AM

Phillipa you are being naive. The rumour mill didn't stop - you were just cut out of the loop. You need to take the initiative, as a friend, and tell them what is being said and that this could be damaging to them - they in turn then need to deal with the problem as they see fit. If there's nothing other than friendship going on between these two then there is no problem, no-one will get hurt.

Thabi 10/27/2009 10:11:00 AM

a rumour is just that: a rumour. let the people gossip, its not like the gossip will be a lifetime. cos if you try speak to those spreading the rumours its like you are justifying or covering up and you'll be giving them more reason to gossip. my advice: just let them gossip

Vee 10/27/2009 11:27:32 AM

Gossip is a dangerous thing! The only thing here is to have the boss and all concerned sit around a table and lash it out!!!!! If the parties concerned are flirting, its more than likely they are having an affair, if its just platonic relationship then let them deal with it before some vindictive person makes that anoyomous call to one of the parties partners. Nip it in the bud!

Nono 10/27/2009 3:25:21 PM

Sometimes people behave unappropriate(too friendly) in a work area which can lead to people making assumptions. When you are married, you need to behave differently(don't let people touch you anyhow) and if you are a professional at work,you must be professional.Just talk to your friends and tell them to be professional and also tell the gossipers to stop gossiping.Chances are that if you don't stop them,then they will be doing it to you as well.Gossip needs to be stopped especially if you know the gossipers.

james 10/27/2009 4:36:12 PM

get the hell out of there and work from home

lylabell 10/27/2009 7:18:18 PM

This just happened to ME. I saw jokey but inappropriate emails and confronted my partner: he denied cheating etc. I asked a female work colleague of his for an opinion, and before I knew it a huge story came out that A and B were having an affair for years: 'but I needn't worry because everyone in the office feels sorry for you.' Gee that makes me feel a whole lot better. Many bitter and anguished weeks later, we found out that that one person in the office had stoked up the whole thing, and lied to us both, about her friend and my husband!!! Big Life Lesson learned here. Rather get it out into the open, so that everyone knows what everyone else is saying. Then they can stop the inappropriate behaviour, if there is any, or rather keep out of each other's way to calm things down. My husband has learned the hard way that a joke is not always a joke, nor is a friend always a real one. He steers clear of certain people now, and tells me if he needs to speak to/see a female outside of his work circle. Good luck.
L

lylabell 10/27/2009 7:20:36 PM

Nono is quite right in her remarks. I will add that if you know people are gossipping about you and someone in the office, DON'T treat it as a joke. It is potentially a marriage breaker.

PRESHEN GOVENDER 10/29/2009 8:19:09 AM

If knowledge is power why is gossip bad

Sandra 10/29/2009 1:42:18 PM

Gossip is for people that have no friends and they don't see anybody else having any?
Take care that you don't end up being gossip about!

B - a different B 11/3/2009 9:10:50 AM

HR!! HR!!
Nail the suckers.
They can at least get written warnings for defamation of character.
Nail 'em baby!

lusanda 11/4/2009 4:41:39 PM

such things always happen..get used to it!!

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