Hilarious horrorscopes: Virgo

Virgoans are the project managers of social interaction. Control-freaks to the core, they dive into new friendships with a disconcerting alacrity.

August 23 - September 22

It’s extremely tempting to simply write the word “nit-picky” 500 times and leave it at that, but receiving thousands of angry, hysterical emails from hypochondriacs with tragic self-esteem issues isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds.

So here it goes:

To say Virgoans have a mental block with the whole sense of humour thing is a gigantic understatement. To illustrate this by example, I know a Virgoan (and I swear this is true) who watched the wacky comedy movie Top Secret without even realising that it was a comedy.

This humourlessness can be overcome with corrective training, but what’s the point? They’re mostly destined to become accountants anyway.

Friends

Virgoans are the project managers of social interaction. Control-freaks to the core, they dive into new friendships with a disconcerting alacrity. They’ll organise get-togethers, do favours and phone for a friendly chat at intervals so regular that you could set your watch to their calls.

Virgoans could plot the development of their friendships using graphs and pie charts. They quietly congratulate themselves after every small thing they do for you – and if that sounds a bit sinister, it’s because it is.

It’s only on the surface thatVirgoanare great (and useful) friends – but what you first see isn’t all you’ll ultimately get. Beneath their sweet veneer lurks hyper-critical monster, obsessively on the lookout for any slight to their fragile self-esteem. When that happens, expect all Hell to breaks loose, and you’ll suddenly find yourself working just as hard on the friendship as your Virgoan.

Work


Well accountancy, obviously. But Virgoans have a tendency to slave-drive themselves in whatever field they choose with a passion that most of us only reserve for sex and trying not to die – so they usually do pretty well for themselves, and are only held back from climbing all the way to the top by their colourless personalities.

Virgoans love to organise the tiny, seemingly insignificant things, such as their desk, your desk, the minutiae of their lives, and will happily meddle in the minutiae of yours, unless you apply a corrective slap to the side of their head.

They think they can do anything better than anyone, and will stand over your shoulder, condescendingly criticising your every move while their own office catches fire because they forgot to turn off the heater again.

Love


If you fall for a Virgoan and you know you’re not a perfect partner, don’t worry. The love of your life specialises in human fixer-uppers, and won’t stop renovating your very soul, not ever. You see, your Virgoan knows how to live your life better than you.

Deep down, they think they could do better at being you than you. So expect lots of demonstrations and lectures on subjects such as how to fold a dishcloth, how to talk to your friends and how to tell them you’re sorry you’re wrong and will never ever do it again.

Expect homework.

Your main task in the relationship will be to tell them over and over again how much you love them. Do this well, and you’ll be rewarded in the bedroom. Virgoans in love have a selfless approach to sex, satisfying themselves by satisfying their partners. Try not to worry too much whether they are enjoying it as much as you – that’s simply not how Virgoans roll.

Just be sure to give them a high mark when they ask you rate their performance on a scale of one to ten and fill in a brief questionnaire.

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Aries


Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Libra

Scorpio


Sagittarius

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Read more on: astrology  |  astrology 2013

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