Hilarious Horroscopes: Taurus

They have a creative side – if you consider needlepoint, finger painting and making jam creative.


April 20 - May 20

Fat, lazy and hedonistic by instinct, Taureans left to their own devices are the sign most likely to drop out of society to live a shoeless existence in a wigwam on a communal farm with a whole bunch of other dreadlocked losers.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. With the right encouragement, Taureans can overcome their disdain for authority and their inability to lead anything sentient, and live a quiet, grey little life as a cubicle slave, crunching numbers and pushing papers. But don’t feel bad for them: in both scenarios, the nondescript little Taurean would be perfectly happy, so long as they make enough money to buy cheese.

Tareans also have a creative side – if you consider needlepoint, finger painting and making jam creative.

Friendship

The typical Taurean could fit all their friends into a small room (or wigwam) – and they often do. They are passionately loyal, friends-for-life types, and will continue to hang out with people in their tight social circle decades after realising they don’t even like them very much.

This is partly because they’re inherently neurotic, but also because they’re terrified of change. Luckily, Taureans are sweet, friendly and excellent hosts – so their oldest friends will never suspect that their Taurean buddy has secretly been thinking for years that they’re an asshole.

They’re not big social butterflies, so if you’ve recently managed to bag yourself a Taurus friend, congratulations! Expect to be mothered, protected and fed ‘til the end of your days. I hope you like neck rubs and cake.

Work

Nobody really likes work, but few dislike work as much as the typical Taurean. This is because they’re not only pathologically lazy, but also because they’re not very good at it. They also hate being told what to do – a problem that will plague them for their entire professional life, since they suck so badly at leadership.

It all seems pretty hopeless, until you remember that Taureans are both terrified of poverty, and extremely anally retentive about minor details that nobody else cares about. These traits may seem like faults, but they’re practically a job requirement for accountants and other bean counters. Hopefully, they’ll hate spending company money as much as they hate spending their own.

Love

It should come as no surprise by now that Taureans are as old-fashioned as their grandparents in matters of the heart and crotch. Your relationship with your Taurean partner will start off very slowly – and pretty much stay at that pace until you’re both old and decrepit. Then it’ll slow down some more. Here’s hoping one of you actually notices when the other one dies.

But while Taureans are lacking in the kink department, they more than make up for it in terms of stamina. While most of us are falling back onto our crumpled, sweaty sheets in a state of exhausted bliss, Taureans are just getting their second wind.

They can go at it like porn stars for hours on end. OK, it would probably be the most boring porn you’ve ever seen, but so long as nobody is filming or watching, everyone’s happy.


Capricorn

Pisces


Aries

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo 

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Aquarius

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Read more on: astrology 2013

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