Hilarious horrorscopes: Scorpio

Scorpios like to think of themselves as mysterious, alluring, darkly sexual and brimming with barely contained power.

October 24 - November 22

Scorpios like to think of themselves as mysterious, alluring, darkly sexual and brimming with barely contained power. But the simple truth is that Scorpios are the most self-deluded, narcissistic douche-nozzles on the planet.

When they think they’re being mysterious they’re actually being annoying; they admire their own dark magnetic sexuality, which is actually just perverse, disgusting and nasty; and the brooding power they so enjoy bragging about only exists in their spiteful minds.

Sure, they might sometimes try to exact cruel revenge on their enemies, but it’s nothing that can’t be put to an immediate halt with a swift kick in the crotch.

They’re all bastards.

Friends


Scorpios are too sociopathic to have any actual friends in the sense of the word that you or I understand it, but they can do a pretty good imitation of being your friend when it suits their needs. Unlike most people, Scorpios don’t acquire and maintain friendships to enrich their lives. For them, friends are like a social “beard” that allows them to blend in with the rest of society undetected.

Your Scorpio friend is arrogant, self-centred and contemptuously bored by almost everything you say.

They get away with not listening to conversation by responding in clichés as meaningless to them as they are to you; and when the boredom overwhelms them, they’ll feel no guilt in interrupting your harrowing story about your spouse’s death last week with some banal anecdote about how good they are at parallel parking.

Work

Scorpios love being in a position of power.  They don’t have to be the top boss – they just have to be in a position where they can make at least one other person’s life miserable. Scorpios rarely rise all the way to the top of the corporate ladder because they are disruptive, inconsistent, easily bored, and too many of their colleagues think they’re complete assholes.

They think of themselves as indispensible, but come restructuring time, they’re often the most likely to get fired. Ideal careers for Scorpios include being a terrorist, torturer, or one of the villain’s henchmen in a James Bond movie who gets shot in the face after five seconds of screen time.

Love

Obviously, all Scorpios think they’re sex gods, and that everyone they meet wants to shag them senseless.They are extremely kinky – not because they enjoy kinky sex, but because they want to impress their partner with how kinky they are. This is just another way Scorpios tend to imitate real people.

This, and the fact that Scorpios love sex more than they love whoever they happen to be having sex with, doesn’t make for a very pleasant experience. In fact, it can be downright disturbing. Expect complicated role play that will simultaneously confuse and degrade you.

If you see ropes and/or handcuffs, accept the fact that you’re going to be the one getting tied up, and quietly pray that your Scorpio lover bothers to untie you afterwards.

And even if the sex seems normal and loving to you, don’t be too surprised when you get kicked out of bed and told to go home a few seconds after your Scorpio reaches orgasm. Just be thankful that you got out of there in one piece, and the damage is only psychological.

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Aries

Taurus

Gemini


Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Sagittarius

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Read more on: astrology  |  astrology 2013

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