Hilarious horrorscopes: why Sagittarians are the absolute worst

You could easily replace every Sag in a crowded room with a cardboard cut-out replica of themselves, and nobody would notice. In fact, it might even liven up the conversation.

November 23 - December 21

The Sag personality is particularly difficult to write about because they don’t exactly provide much source material.

It is said that Sags are knowledge seekers, but in truth, they’re personality seekers. They’re not looking for wisdom – just information to fill the gap where their personalities should be.

They’ll read books that people they admire recommend and pretend to like them, while secretly wondering what all the fuss is about. They can sit through the scariest horror movie or weepiest drama and remain completely untouched – because there’s nothing to touch.

FRIENDS

Sags make for good, albeit formulaic friends. They’re not exactly the life of the party, and their conversation is often trivial and boring, but they’re reliable, honest and won’t try to exact a horrible revenge on you if you dump them for being blander than boiled rice.

But be warned: Sags can be extremely opinionated on subjects they know nothing about, or have completely misunderstood due to their Asperger’s-like grip on reality.

Try to correct them, and their stubbornness kicks in, and a Sag standing their ground can be blunt to the point of cruel. If they lose their cool, all their carefully studied social skills is instantly forgotten, and they start acting exactly like the boring, know-it-all, no-nothings that they actually are.

Then, when the smoke has cleared, they’ll be genuinely sorry that they insulted you. And although they’ll apologise sincerely and profusely, they’ll secretly wonder why you were so offended when they told you that your love life is a disaster because you dress like a whore.

WORK

Sags can be hard workers who enjoy what they do, but are too often let down by the fact that they’re not very good at anything. Understandably, this can easily lead to frustration, boredom and substance abuse.

A bored Sag is very susceptible to developing habits that can only result in death or rehab.

But although Sags aren’t the best choice for getting something done, they can excel at talking about getting things done: planning, delegating and motivating teams of people who are actually far more qualified than they.

Their often delusional ego and blind faith in their own half-baked conceits can be contagious - so long as they can keep their cool when someone points out that their stupid idea is stupid, of course.

LOVE

If a Sag falls in love with you, consider it a bad indictment on your character. Sags have an uncanny ability to hone in on the most unsuitable romantic prospect in a 20km radius, and brutally friend-zoning anyone who could make them a happy, fulfilled human being.

Your Sag only wants to be with you because you’re a tragic enabler, supporting their fundamentally flawed ideas about the world around them, pandering to their destructive whims and stroking their misplaced egos.

Your Sag would never admit it, but deep down, they know that your most attractive quality is your spinelessness.

As for the sex… well, it’s not great. Just be thankful it exists. And if your Sag lover is still awake when it’s over, consider it a victory.

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

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