Hilarious Horroscopes: Pisces

They're all just scatter-brained space cadets with their proverbial heads up their own asses.

February 19 -March 20

Pisceans like to think of themselves as complex, spiritual, sensitive souls, with a rare depth that draws them to focusing on life’s inner journey, rather than the mundane banalities of the material world we live in. But in fact, they all just scatter-brained space cadets with their proverbial heads up their own asses.

With so much attention to their own emotions, you’d expect Pisceans to be amazing psychologists, or, at the very least, not quite so emotionally stupid. But unfortunately, they are. Pisceans suck at the only thing they know how to do.

Friendship

Pisceans have a reputation for being excellent listeners, but if you look closely at their glassy eyes focussed on the air particles in the middle distance, you’ll see that the drone of your monologue has put them into a semi-catatonic state.

They’ll snap out of it the moment you stop talking and say something like, “so how do you feel about that?” without having heard a word you just said.

Because of this Pisceans are lousy conversationalists who have to rely on quoting other people and describing scenes from movies they liked to fill the verbal void. If you eventually tire of your Piscean friend and unceremoniously dump them (and it’s highly you will), try not to worry about the fact that they’ll continue to hold a grudge against you long after you’re dead. Pisceans are too weak and ineffective to ever carry out their psychotic revenge fantasies.

Work

Often absent-minded and disorganised, Pisceans are mostly lousy in a position of authority. Or a position of subservience.

Or anywhere near your office, come to think of it. But they have a natural desire to succeed in whatever the Hell their hare-brained ambition may be, so some Pisceans may find their calling in running their own small business (probably into the ground) with a small staff of like-minded airheads.

The ideal job for a Piscean would be working on an empty space station, where their only job is to monitor the air toxicity levels, and alert the authorities of any danger by dying. Unfortunately, jobs like this are hard to come by, so it looks like we’re stuck with keeping Pisceans on Earth.

Love

Seriously? You actually want to shag one of these creatures? Well, OK, each to their own, I suppose. And nobody can blame you, because Pisceans, despite themselves, are what Woody Allen would call “densely populated”. Sluts, in other words. 

For some unfathomable reason, Pisceans seem to get laid more than most. In unrelated news, the world is full of stupid people.
The impressive number of notches on the Piscean’s bedpost might have something to do with their natural polysexuality.

In other words, they’ll fuck anything that moves, as well as a few things that don’t move until they start fucking it. But although they are extremely experimental, they don’t really like sex all that much.

They’ll often try something once (for example, YOU), then unceremoniously dump it to try something else they’ll probably hate. After exhausting all their options, many Pisceans realise they’re better off living an asexual lifestyle.

So if you ever find yourself in a long term relationship with one of these scatterbrains, expect most of your intimacy to be played out in your silly little heads.

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