Hilarious horrorscopes: Libra

They’re disgustingly good looking, excellent social chameleons who can take on the personality of the most powerful (or shaggable) person in the room.

September 23 - October 23

It’s interesting to note that Libra is the only sign in the zodiac represented by an inanimate object (the other 11 are all living things).

Librans might think that this is an indicator of their uniqueness, but since there’s absolutely nothing special about them, it serves better as an indicator of their abject indolence.

Seriously, Librans could make a tree sloth look like a workaholic. But infuriatingly, Librans seem to do well in everything without even trying.

They’re disgustingly good looking, for one thing. And because they have no personality of their own, they’re excellent social chameleons who can take on the personality of the most powerful (or most shaggable) person in the room. They like to think that they’re balanced and objective; others may think that they’re indecisive.

Actually, they don’t have a single opinion of their own.

Friends


If you’re looking for a deep, meaningful relationship (platonic or otherwise) with a loyal person who will be there for you for many years to come, welcome! It’s great to see you here, but you’re totally in the wrong place.

But your disorientation is completely understandable. Librans are magnetic – sexy, even – and exude a charm that many mistake for sincerity and depth. But anyone truly seeking these qualities in another soon deserts the Libran, because deep down, they’re all very, very shallow.

As a rule of thumb, if you’ve had a Libran in your life for more than five years, and they’re not a direct relative, you’re probably just as shallow as they are.

And good for you if you are! It’s the Libran’s shallowness that allow them to lead such a charmed life, and hopefully some of that will rub off on you.

Work

In a word, no. Librans don’t like work. They don’t like it a LOT. But unfortunately, most of us don’t live in a world where we can sit on our butts all day sipping cocktails and watching the pretty flowers grow.

So Librans fall back on their two basic skills to earn a living: their appreciation of pretty, shiny things, and the ability to charm the pants off anyone (sometime literally).

Not to imply that Librans would make good prostitutes – that would be too icky-poo for them. But they are at home as designers, artists, hairdressers or any job where they get to say, “Ooh, isn’t that gorgeous” a lot. Their silky charm, indecisiveness and unwillingness to do anything meaningful is the perfect skillset for a career in politics.

Sex

As much as Librans love sex, they never break their golden rule: don’t sleep with ugly people. Even if they’re drunk, desperate and lonely, and the barman has just called last rounds, Librans would rather go home alone than hook up with a warm body that doesn’t meet their aesthetic requirements. Librans are also the fastest friend-zoners in the world.

It takes them less than a second to size you up and classify you, and not even a zombie apocalypse is going to get you out.

But if you’re fortunate enough to be as pretty as they are, you’re in for a fun ride - if you can keep up. Even in a loving relationship, Librans like to fuck as if they were in a porn movie. In fact, that’s probably exactly what they’re fantasising about when they’re doing you.

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

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