Hilarious horrorscopes: Leo

Leos are so utterly convinced that the sun shines out of their butts that it never occurs to them that the rest of the world doesn’t feel exactly the same way.

July23 - August 22

Leos are so utterly convinced that the sun shines out of their butts that it never occurs to them that the rest of the world doesn’t feel exactly the same way. Egotistical to the point of delusional, Leos strut through life as if it were a ticker tape parade held in their honour. You could tell them “nobody cares”, but that would be futile.

It’s not that they won’t believe you – they’re simply unable to hear anything that doesn’t prescribe to their megalomaniacal world view. It would be like talking to a brick wall that thinks it’s better than you.

Friends

Leos don’t have friends: they have entourages of loyal subjects. At least, that’s what they think they have. Leos will like you the most when you listen to them speak and appear to fully agree with their often outlandish opinions on subjects they know nothing about.

Don’t try to argue with them. Leos suck at arguing, because they haven’t internalised the possibility that their opinion isn’t the only one in the universe. Contest a Leo’s point of view, and they’ll stare at you as if you’ve suddenly started talking in fluent Klingon.

But despite everything, Leos can be great friends. They’ll stick by you, whether you want them to or not, they make for reliable sidekicks when you’re trying to pick someone up in a bar, and of course, they really like getting drunk, which makes them less likely to cut in on your action (which they totally would do if they weren’t so stupid drunk most of the time).

Work


It doesn’t matter if the Leo in your workplace is the CEO or the junior janitor on probation – they still think and act as if they’re your superior.

A Leo is only happy in a position of authority, and takes a “fake it ‘til you make it” approach to their goals. So be nice to your Leo colleague, whatever their rung in the corporate ladder may be. They’re probably more ambitious than you, and it might be only a matter of time before they’re in a perfect position to crap directly onto your head.

Leos hate being told what to do, and get around this little hurdle by pretending they were going to do whatever they were told to do anyway.

They live in this delusional state until they’re in charge, then rule their little kingdom like a benign dictator. Leo bosses are generally very easy to get along with because their inflated egos are too fragile to cope with being disliked.

Love


For a Leo, every sexual encounter is an experiment to test how awesome you think they are. Whatever you do, don’t fail this test. If you’re in a permanent relationship with your Leo partner, they’ll take it as a sign thatthey should dump you before you shatter their ego and dump them.

If it’s a less than serious relationship, you may never see them naked again.

But don’t expect fireworks: your Leo isn’t very adventurous in bed (and extremely unlikely to do the deed anywhere else). They are terrified of failure (it’s a pride thing), so they’re loathe to try anything new.

The positive spin on this is that they can become extremely good on the few things they dodo, so you can expect a happy, albeit extremely boring sex life.

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

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