Hilarious horrorscopes: Gemini

Unfortunately, much like two 8 year olds don’t make a 16 year old, two halves don’t always make a whole. Geminians are tragically incomplete. Twice.

May 21 - June 20

Here’s the problem with a dual personality disorder. Firstly, it’s a disorder (most Geminians tend to forget this when blabbing on and on ad infinitum about themselves); and secondly, the result of this disorder isn’t two personalities – it’s two half personalities.

Unfortunately, much like two 8 year olds don’t make a 16 year old, two halves don’t always make a whole. Geminians are tragically incomplete. Twice.

Despite their many differences of opinion, a Geminian is mostly a compatible couple (remember, we’re talking about a single person here). And it’s fortunate they get along so well with themselves, because they annoy the Hell out of everyone else. Geminians aren’t paranoid – people really are out to get them. And they deserve it.

Friends

Nothing will ever test your listening skills as exhaustively as your Gemini friend. Nothing.

They practically turn listening into an extreme sport. You could try to forgive them with the excuse that they’re speaking for two, but ultimately, their loquaciousness will stress you out to the point that you’ll get your shrink to book you off on sick leave for a couple of months so you can take a holiday – preferably alone, in some remote location without electricity.

But that’s okay. Geminians don’t need company for conversation, and will happily babble away until you get back, picking out titbits of random trivia from their cluttered mind (Geminians are information hoarders, so abandon all hope they’ll ever run out of things to say). They’re sweetie-pies, of course, and fun to be around, but holy crap, that motor mouth… Invest in earplugs.

Work

It seems common sense to assume Geminians would find their niche in sales, politics, or as religious leaders, where talking bullshit to a captive audience is a job requirement. But these professions require a single-mindedness that scatter-brained Geminians couldn’t even fake.

They’re cerebral (sometimes even intellectual), and love to wallow in useless information, but too capricious for most steady jobs, so they would probably do quite well in research, collecting data, or being a nutty professor that invents useless contraptions that always fail, much to the amusement of small children. Geminians are best working alone. Not because they’re the solitary types (far from it), but because they’re intensely annoying.

Love

Fickle and easily bored, it’s hard for a Geminian to take anything too seriously – which works out just great, because nobody takes Geminiums too seriously either, especially in matters of the heart and crotch.

They go through lovers like a hypochondriac though vitamin pills – not because they’re promiscuous, but because they keep getting dumped. On the one hand, Geminians want a traditional old-fashioned relationship with all its white picket fence trimming.

On the other, they want their freedom. 

They passionately argue for both, verbosely and continually, until their partner gives up and leaves, and once again the Geminian goes off to talk the ears off their friends about every tiny detail of this latest failure.

A Geminian’s soul mate will have to be willing to be dominated, and (does it need to be mentioned?) a good listener. With the right relationship magic, sex can be… well… so-so. They’re not exactly adventurous, or passionate, or kinky. They don’t even like oral sex all that much, because it means they’ll have to stop talking.

Capricorn

Pisces


Aries

Taurus


Cancer

Leo

Virgo 

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Aquarius

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Read more on: astrology 2013

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