Hilarious horrorscopes: Capricorn

Anally retentive to the point of an obsessive compulsive disorder, capricorns do everything in an steady and methodological manner.

December 22 - January 19

So it should come as no surprise that unless they do something drastic that goes against their most basic instincts, Capricorns are destined to be the most boring people you’ve ever met in your life.

Capricorns are almost autistic: they are out of touch with their own, as well as everyone else’s feelings. They’re positively Victorian, if not Vulcan in their disdain for worldly pleasures, and look down on anyone who thinks otherwise.

The best way to win a Capricorn’s approval is to work 18 hour days, eating nothing but gruel, and wearing lice-infested sackcloth.

Friends

It should come as no surprise that Capricorns aren’t exactly people people. Their immediate reaction on meeting someone new is to disapprove of them.

Don’t bother going out of your way to impress them. They’ll just notice you’re making an extra effort and disapprove of that too. It’s ironic then that they’re mortified by any form of social rejection.

This goes against everything they know and love about themselves.

If you’re friends with a Capricorn, you’ve accepted the fact that they are always going to look down on you, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to change that.

You can always rely on your Capricorn friend to pour icy water on your fire should you appear too happy for their liking. Tell your Capricorn you’ve just won the Lotto, and they’ll remind you of Lotto winners who lost their fortune and killed themselves.

Tell them you’ve written a novel and they’ll remind you that the novel is a dead art form.

They’re great at dishing out practical advice though. Stick to subjects with which you have no emotional connection, and you’ll be fine.

Work


This is the area in which Capricorns excel.

If we rounded up all Capricorns, and relocated them to work cubicles in huge faceless buildings on the outskirts of cities so that they could eke out the rest of their days, divorced from society, crunching numbers and pushing papers, the world would be a better place for all.

If you’ve suddenly started thinking about the goblin clerks at Gringott’s Wizarding Bank in Harry Potter, you’re well on your way to understanding Capricorns in the workplace.

Obsessively fastidious, precise and unfailingly reliable, Capricorns are excellent workers, but much to their dismay, they’re terrible leaders. Aloof, miserly and as inflexible as Adamantium, Capricorn leaders stand on the divide between obnoxious and evil. They also have all the creativity of a dying houseplant, and despise creativity in others.

In an Orwellian society, Capricorns would be the Thought Police.

Love


Since they seem about as passionate as rising damp, you can be forgiven for thinking that you can count the number of times a Capricorn has had sex by counting their children.

But Capricorns are practical folk, and know that sex is a necessary ritual if they want to keep their partners and/or raise a family. So they learn to enjoy sex, in much the same way that a murderous sociopath learns to be charming.

Capricorns don’t do one night stands, and if they did, they would never, ever admit it. Not even to themselves. If you’re desperate to bed a Capricorn, the only way you’ll get there is to embark on a long, serious relationship with them.

Rest assured, the relationship will be very, very serious, and although it won’t last forever, that’s exactly what it will feel like

Pisces


Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Cancer

Leo

Virgo 

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

Aquarius

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