Hilarious horrorscopes: Cancer

Cancerians are very affected by the Moon. And the planet Mars. And just about anything, really. Sensitive little wimps.

June 21 - July 22

Cancerians have mother issues that make Oedipus seem well-adjusted. They either want to marry their mothers, creep back into her womb where it's all nice and warm, or kill her. This usually depends on the phase of the Moon at the time. Cancerians are very affected by the Moon. And the planet Mars. And just about anything, really. Sensitive little wimps.

Cancerians are old fashioned and conservative at heart, just like Jack the Ripper was. Prone to bigoted, judgmental behaviour, it takes very little for a Cancerian to decide to hate you for ever and ever and ever.

Cancerians are born with a bi-polar disorder, and sulk for approximately two thirds of their life.

Friendship

Cancerians are loving, caring and sensitive, and if you make friends with them, they'll stick to you like shit to a blanket for the rest of your life. The only way to get rid of them is with a restraining order.

They love their friends very, very much. And, when I say "love", I mean "depend on" - deeply. They need constant emotional support and have the uncanny ability to turn everyone they meet into their own personal wet nurse. They won't rest until all your closest friends are their closest friends, and are quite prepared to whine and sulk and break things to achieve their objectives.

They are generous to a fault - a seriously creepy, backing-away-really-slowly kind of fault. They'll give you things constantly, and expect nothing in return - so long as you define all your time and emotional energy as “nothing”.

Cancerian friends are the most likely to show up outside your house at two in the morning with a bottle of wine and a Monopoly set. You could call this being quirky, but you'd be better off just calling the police.

Work

Cancerians are creative dreamers, and while this sounds great on paper, what it really amounts to is an almost psychotic form of laziness. They’ll come up with great ideas, but expect you to implement them. And if you tell them they’re lazy, they’ll sob quietly to themselves until you cradle their head in your bosom and feed them chocolate cookies.

Unlike most of us, Cancerians don’t work for money: they work for the means to buy alcohol and chocolate. Don’t expect an ambitious corporate ladder climber when hiring a Cancerian. If you’re paying them enough to keep their fridge full of fat-laden goodies, they’ve already achieved their career goal in life.

Love

Living with a Cancerian lover is like being a warden in a mental institution where it's encouraged to fuck your patient.

They love pampering and being pampered. Constant affection is essential in a relationship with one of these creatures. If they feel they're not getting enough attention, they'll let you know by not talking to you for weeks. If you ask them what's wrong, they won't tell you. Instead, they'll burst out crying and immediately develop an eating disorder.

When not drunk and/or sulking, Cancerians are great in bed. This is because they are passionate, and put lots of emotional energy into their lovemaking. They're generally very good at oral sex, because their mother fixation makes them unusually adept at sucking things, like genitals, cigarettes and your very soul.

Capricorn

Aquarius

Pisces

Aries

Taurus

Gemini

Leo

Virgo

Libra

Scorpio

Sagittarius

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