Hilarious Horrorscopes: Aquarius

You might think Aquarians are aloof, but they only seem that way because they’re actually insane.

January 20 -February 18

They’re all mad, of course. You might think Aquarians are aloof, but they only seem that way because they’re actually insane. They come across as unorthodox, even unique, but that’s just their way of conning you into thinking they’re not mentally deranged.

Whimsical, eccentric, innovative and unpredictable are words often used to describe Aquarians. These are also words often used by psychiatrists to describe gibbering wrecks in straitjackets and padded cells who will never again see the light of day, poor bastards. Everything an Aquarian thinks, feels and does can be explained with one simple phrase: “because they’re fucking nuts”.

Sure, they’re different – but Aquarians are mistaken in thinking this somehow makes them special.

Friendship

In social situations, Aquarians are most comfortable in a crowd, doing their social butterfly thing. This is because (like all lunatics) they have an extremely low attention span, and the thought of a protracted one-on-one with any conscious entity that’s not one of their many hallucinations disturbs them greatly. Deep, personal conversations are the Aquarian’s natural social enemy, so if this is what you expect from your friends, you’ve come to the wrong place.

But if you’re okay with being friends with a goofball you’ll never, ever understand and who will dump you if you try to get too close, you’ll be fine. Stick to arcane subjects, like what would an escalator flavoured ice-cream taste like. If this madness is too much for you, try a few board games. This is the best way to appear to be communicating without actually saying anything.
Remember: Aquarians care more about their pets than they’ll ever care about you.

Work

Aquarians are most comfortable as a group leader, which is the exact opposite of how the rest of the group will feel. They make horrible bosses: convinced of their own unique superiority, they naturally expect unquestioning subservience, and if they don’t get it, they are more than cruel and temperamental enough to make everyone’s life a living Hell.

So perhaps Aquarians are best working alone, for example a night guard in a morgue, or as a researcher who listens for radio signals from outer space. They could also find success as conceptual artists, making meaningless sculptures out of discarded junk and giving it names like “Transformation 3”. Then when anyone asks what it means, they can respond, “It means whatever you want it to mean.” Because it has no meaning, you see. And they’re batshit insane.

Love

Oh, dear. You’re in trouble.  Sure, Aquarians are an attractive bunch, and can be very sweet when it suits them, but don’t expect them to fall in love with you the way you might fall in love with them. You will always be dissatisfied. If they ever say, “I love you,” (and they may never say it at all), they are merely expressing their love for you as a member of the human race. They love the concept of humanity more than they will ever love an actual human. So perhaps it’s for the best if you don’t take it personally.

As for sex, Aquarians are experimental partners, whether you like it or not. Expect to be used, played with like a cat plays with a half dead mouse, and tested on every front. It can be scary, but don’t think of this as a bad thing. In fact, it can be freaking awesome. Just go with the flow, try not to cry, and learn to accept the fact that you’ll never be in control – let alone know what’s going on.

Sagittarius

Scorpio

Libra

Virgo

Leo

Cancer

Gemini

Taurus

Aries

Pisces

Capricorn

Follow Women24 on Twitter.

Read more on: astrology 2013

NEXT ON WOMEN24X

'Scorpios are all bastards'

2014-10-31 00:00
Share this page (What are these?):

Read Women24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
6 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining
We reserve the right to maintain the quality of the discourse on the comments board as much as we can.
By posting comments you agree to our Terms & Conditions.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.